Tinder, Love and Care

25. Choiceless

I'm almost 100% sure that Justice is avoiding me.

That wasn't exactly a comforting thought considering I had let it slip that I might be in love with him. Not that he could know that since I only had enough courage to admit it because I could've sworn he was sleeping.

But the thought that he might've heard me wouldn't leave my mind.

It would explain his sudden removal from my life. Sure, we still texted, but there were no more phone calls, no more spontaneous plans, and none of the things that made us... well, us.

Which is why I'm currently sulking on the couch with snacks scattered around me in no particular order as I watched TV. My body was practically boneless with the way I was sprawled out on the couch, and I had been completely uninterrupted until Olivia came through the door.

"What are you doing?" She questioned once she noticed me laying on the couch.

"I'm contemplating my death." I replied, quoting Michael, one of the old movies I'd watched as a kid.

Movies had always been my mom and I's thing. She'd pick movies that were different from the usual choice, and we'd stumbled upon it when Redbox was still in its popular phase. Oddly, it's one of our favorites and watching it never failed to spark feelings of homesickness.

"Is this about Justice?" Olivia asked before plopping herself on top of my butt, which got a groan of agony in response.

"Not necessarily." I mumbled before faceplanting into the pillow that I'd been resting on. I'd already felt like sinking into the couch before she added her weight on top of it.

Though, my current foul mood might've been triggered by Justice's hot-and-cold tendencies, but it wasn't the sole reason for them.

I felt rejected and alone in a lot of ways, and his actions only made me hyperfocused on those emotions.

Romantically, being desired and wanted was just one of the boxes I always planned to check in my next relationship. But also, I wanted to be chosen.

I desperately craved that.

The conscious part of love that chooses me every day over anyone else. That choice of me over all other options that could present themselves in the past, present, or future because I'm "it" for you. To wake up and choose to push away everything that could stop you from loving me because there's no way you'd risk losing what we have.

While that was currently missing in my relationship with Justice, I was feeling unfulfilled in other ways as well.

The familiar feelings of being an island were crashing over me. It was a common theme within my emotional torment of feeling stranded in the middle of the ocean while others pass me by.

I'd always been the friend that calls and texts and organizes hangouts without realizing that left a gap when I just couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. It could be exhausting, and I always found myself wondering when someone would check on me for once instead.

So, it didn't feel like anyone was reaching out for me even with these deep feelings of loneliness threatening to seep in. I felt invisible. My pain felt invisible.

"So, what are you gonna do?" Olivia questioned, still perched on top of me.

"Nothing." I mumbled and ignored the incredulous look she threw in my direction.

"Are you—"

"I think I'm gonna go to my room and take a nap." I interrupted, partially angry at her for the line of questions but also for the ways I'd felt she failed me as a friend.