The Bachelorette

Week 5. Two-on-one (Part 1)

"Yeah, we know." Shawn said in a quiet voice.

"So let's go talk." I said as I stood up. "Josh, do you wanna come with me?" I asked.

He stood up and grabbed my hand. "Let's go."

We walked to a separate place, to where a couch was placed under a big umbrella, protecting us from the sun.

As I was about to say something, Josh interrupted me.

"Can I say something?" He asked and I nodded. "I don't know if I ever told you how I came to the show, but my best friends actually signed me up. All through out the process, I always thought that it was an absolute joke, and not something I would enjoy. But when I got to know you, my mind changed. This setting of 'finding love' isn't just about love for someone else, but also for yourself. I'm not a man who likes to talk about his feelings, because I was taught that showing emotions made you weak, but all of this, and especially you, has taught me the opposite. I want to be a better man, for you and myself."

"I know a lot of people think of this as a joke, but it isn't. For third parties this process is a farce, a joke, but only those who take the process seriously know that it works and you do find what you are looking for. For some people who have been part of this show, the process has not worked, but for other people it has."

"And I was like that. I thought of this as a joke, but now I know it is really, and it works."

"I am full of hope that I will walk out of here with the love of my life." I said with a smile.

"And I hope you see that in me at the end, because I can tell you that I am falling in love with you." He smiled as he grabbed my hand. "Alanna, there are not enough words to describe what an incredible human being  you are, and I would be so honored to be in your life forever."

"Thanks for saying that." I said.

"But?" He asked, sensing my hesitation.

"I'm just a little conflicted. I don't doubt your feelings towards me, because in some way, I have similar feelings, but I just question the future of this relationship."

"Why?"

I sighed. "I wonder if our characters and personalities truly match in a correct way."

"You're not making any sense." He said with a chuckle.

"I've seen two very different sides of you. One where you are a sweetheart, a humble, intelligent, passionate and loving man. You just said that you grew up with the idea that showing emotions was a weakness and that you rarely show any, but I've seen you be emotionally vulnerable with me. I know it's not easy, but I've seen it."

"Thank you."

"But I've also seen a man who reacts badly, who has a short fuse and reacts before thinking. We all have our tempers, I have mine, but I've seen you yell at the guys about literally silly things and being rude to them, and me." I paused. "This is why I'm conflicted, because I care so deeply about you, but I also question if it is the right thing."

"I know my last outburst scared you, I even scared myself. I know it was a cope out. I got nervous and intimidated with what you told me, so I did the only thing I could, I shut down and reacted before thinking about everything or talking to you. It was wrong of me, and I'm sorry."

"The day that all of this happened, you got upset because I didn't go with you when you came looking for me. I couldn't step away from my conversation with Shawn, because we were talking about something very personal, so I stayed there, but as soon as we were finished, I went to you."

"Yeah."

"And I was trying to have a conversation with you, but you were short with me, kind of giving me attitude. Why?"

"I was upset that you chose Shawn out of all people before me."

"But I didn't choose him. I chose to continue a conversation and then go to you. You got aggressively mad about something so trivial."

"But it isn't trivial. I got mad because of how Shawn was acting towards me and then because of you choosing to stay instead of coming with me."

"Let me ask you something, why don't you like Shawn?"

"It's not that I don't like him, it's just that our personalities crash."

"No, you do dislike him. Since day one there has been a weird dynamic between you two. I don't know what it is."

"Well, then I don't like him because of how he has treated me. I know last time I called him an ass, but he really is. He has this passive-aggressive attitude with me and I don't like that. I have tried to be amicable with him, but he makes it so hard."

"Really?" I asked, confused and kind of shocked. He nodded. "I'm confused."

"Maybe you should talk to him. But make sure you don't fall for his lies. He is charming, but don't let that facade fool you. He is passive-aggressive behind your back."

I sighed. "Okay." I said.

I stood up from the couch and walked away, leaving Josh alone while I went back to talk to Shawn.