Purple Velvet: Diaries of a Rainbow Teen

7.

    Wednesday June 21st 1995
    I just heard some bad news. Tara one of my friends here at the school has just been diagnosed with Leukaemia. She'll be in the hospital during the summer getting chemotherapy. I cried when I heard what happened. She's not a great friend like Jessie or Alex, but she's a close friend. Tara sometimes spends the weekends with us if her foster mom says its ok.
    Tara has been living with her foster mom since she was 5 years old after her parents died in a car accident. She's very religious and her whole family goes to the mormon church. they call themselves the saints, or Latter Day Saints. Tara's family has family night every week and there are picnics and things.
    They live in Cottage Grove Oregon several hours drive from where I live. But Tara has been taken to children's hospital where I go when I need my hormone levels checked or I'm needing more time in the hospital.
    I cried and Alex and Jessie were there listening when we heard the news about tara. "Tori your mom's here." Said Stella as we ate breakfast this morning. She was there to pick me up so I could go see Tara. Its ok because I have a doctor's appointment there anyway.
    When I got back to school I told about how Tara looked sick and tired and was starting to lose her hair. It was only then that I hadn't gotten the news for three weeks. While I was finishing school and packing for camp and spending nights with Jessie and days with Alex Tara had been going through her chemotherapy.
    Tara was really sick and would probably spend most of the summer going to chemotherapy appointments while I had fun. Mom must have seen this look on my face because she said, "Alex and Jessie have had fun while you've been sick." "But that's different, I wasn't dying, just really sick." "We don't know that." Said mom, "Sometimes you have bad asthma attacks that can if not treated kill you, and don't tell me you couldn't die of a seizure."
    That shut me up. after all she was right. I just wish I didn't have to see it in Tara. Tara was glad to see me but she had looked queasy and bent over the puke pail a few times. She's funny like that. Even if she's about to puke she's trying to laugh.
    "Maybe her laughter will make her well." I said. "Maybe it will." Said mom, "Doctors do say that prayer and laughter are the best medicines and her parents are big on trying to get her to see the chemotherapy as a weapon against the cancer." Mom said trying to be kind, "But why her?" I asked, "She doesn't deserve to get cancer."
    I started to sniff, "No one deserves cancer Tori." "It just happens sometimes." "well it doesn't make sense." I said, "i don't think I want to believe in God." "that's your choice." Said mom, "We told you you could pick if you want to and we want you to believe what you want."
    When I got back to school I didn't feel like comforting Alex who had gotten into trouble for pulling a girl's hair after the girl said Alex was fat. I guess the girl's a high partial and Alex is rounder than me or Jessie but she's not fat or at least, I don't think she's fat.
Jessie took me aside and said, "When girls get their periods they gain a little weight, not a lot but a bit Alex is bigger but she's also taller." I told Jessie about Tara and she sat there and listened when I cried, "Well she's at the hospital what can you do?" I wanted to slap her for being so insensitive, but I shut my mouth and told her I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't but I went there anyway and sat in a stall until we were told to go to dinner.
Jessie wanted me to sit by her but I sat next to a girl named Annie. She can't talk or walk and has to be fed. But I don't care, as long as I wasn't sitting by Jessie.
It's almost bed time and Jessie has been hounding me since I came back from infirmary to take my pills. Instead I've been writing out my feelings on the brailler and ignoring her. She must have noticed because she gave me a pack of peanut butter m&ms and brought me my cup filled with water. I finally sighed and told her she was forgiven.
We are all being told to brush our teeth and get ready for bed. So I'll stop for now.
Thursday June 22nd 1995
Today mom came to tell me that I needed to come home right away. I was so worried I started to wheeze which made Jessie anxious. Once Jessie was anxious Alex was anxious. When we got home a bunch of family were there. Some of them were crying and dad was talking to grandma Nolan.
We didn't have much family but the ones we had were dad's family. They were all rich. Mom's only living relative was uncle Rob who'd been in a nursing home for a broken hip the last we'd heard. Mom was looking at me as cousins I'd only known from family reunions in Colorado came through the door. then she took me to my sensory room. Ever since I'd been little and mom knew she'd not have any other kinds she'd made this place special, so I had half the floor to myself with my bedroom and sensory rooms across from each other.
She sat me down on the velvet bean bag which made me feel all soft inside. I sat down stroking the bean bag and feeling its velvet through my fingers. "Uncle rob died last night." Said mom, "We have to go to California to see him and go to the funeral." "Why is everyone here then?" I asked, "Because they are all coming to listen to the plans and they knew him, you remember that before you were born I knew daddy's family and got close?" "they're here to help us and be with us, and we're all flying in your daddy's jets to the funeral." "I'm sorry tori, but you will have to come too." "But school, and all my summer plans!" I wailed, "I know I know." Said mom, "And Jessie's space camp!" "I want to see her before she leaves!" I cried.
"You can't Tori you just can't. "We'll probably spend most of the summer in California trying to get his house sold and going through stuff." "No!" I screamed and ran to my velvet tunnel that's weighted on all sides. I buried myself into it and cried and pounded my fists on the floor of the tunnel.
I must have fallen asleep because I found myself in my bed and now I'm writing before we have to pack. Its so not fair!