Love Hurts (boyxboy)

Chapter 32: Be careful what you wish for

"So...where does this leave us?"

☆

"Neil?"

"Long time no see." Neil replies a little nervously. Now resting on the stool next to Josh. "Um...how are you? Is that yours?" Neil glances down at the bag by Josh's feet.

"Yeah it is mine. I've just been made homeless, I suspect I will need to find another job and Pete and I are no more. Other than that, I'm fantastic." Josh laughs nervously. Why was he laughing? Must be the shock.

"You're not with Pete?" Neil asks a little warily. He adjusts his position a little on the stool. He wonders if Josh knew about the blackmail. "What happened?"

Josh turns a little to look at Neil, sensing the apprehension in his eyes. "I know what he did, between you and me. I mean, I just found out."

"Is that why you spilt?" Neil asks, leaning in a little, like he couldn't miss a word Josh was going to say.

"I slept with a work colleague... sound familiar?" Josh says, with a sarcastic laugh as he raises an eyebrow. "Anyways, it then all came out about you and other stuff." Josh looks back at the fresh beer before him, he reaches out and takes a sip.

The moment becomes silent. Neil swallows down his watering mouth and clears his throat. "Look Josh...I'm sorry for everything. How I behaved back then. I acted like a dick."

"It's the past, you can't change it now. None of us can." Then it occurs to him. Was Neil the guy Jojo was talking about and..."Why are you here? This is a gay bar."

"Why do you think Josh?" Neil chuckles.

"Hey if I really knew what went on in your head, I probably wouldn't be in this situation." Josh snaps back.

"Ok, ok. You really wanna know?" Neil asks, to which Josh shrugs a reply. "Jen never found out about you...about that time, but something happened to me after that. You, what we did, it got me questioning a lot of stuff. It kind of grew and grew until then, the next thing I knew I was hooking up with other guys. Not like in a relationship kind of way. Just for fun." Neil looks at the faint line where his wedding ring used to be. "Obviously, she found out, took the boys and left to go to her mother's."

"So are you saying that I'm the reason your marriage fell apart?" Josh questions.

"No, of course not! Look...I'm gonna sound so pathetic saying this, but Josh. Every time I was with another man, all I saw was you. I just wanted you. Fuck! I've wanted you since I waa 16."

Josh sprays his mouth full of beer out on the bar. "Sh..shit sorry." He uses the back of his sleeve to wipe his mouth. He clears his throat and looks at Neil directly, sitting bolt upright on the stool. "So, lemme get this straight...you have had a crush on me since school?"

Neil nods, a slight smile gracing his lips.

"If you knew I liked you too, why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Josh almost shouts out the question, a little aware of how uncharacteristically high pitched it sounded.

"Come on Josh. This is Murray High we are talking about here. You'd get your head kicked in for admitting that kind of stuff. Especially in the crowd I mixed with. Plus I was an idiot back then."

"No you weren't." Josh replies, blushing, as he swivelled a little on his seat. "You were so handsome...you still are."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You too." Neil smiles looking down a little at his confession. "You know, sometimes I used to sneak off to the library and watch you working through the shelves. I'd tell my friends some lame excuse so I could go by myself and I would watch you study. Your silly mop hair you had and those glasses. You were so cute...sometimes I would nearly do it you know. I'd have it planned in my mind...just go over, pretend to drop something by your table...'' Neil chuckles at the memory.

"I honestly didn't think you knew I existed." Josh says with a smile. "Things could have been so different if you'd had just come on over and talked to me. People wouldn't have been hurt."

"I know." Neil says feeling that regret. "I did love Jen and she is the most amazing mother to my boys, but I think we were more friends when it came down to it. Well, that's how it felt for me anyway." Neil sighs as he drinks his beer. "But we're here now." He looks Josh deep in the eyes, making Josh feel all the things he had tried so hard to keep at bay. But this time it was different. He let himself feel them. They were welcomed.

His love felt unrequited no more.

"So...where does this leave us?" Josh wonders and he reaches forward just a fraction, resting his hand on the bar.

Neil looks at the hand, his heart begins to pound in his chest. He finds himself reaching forward, taking a hold of a couple of Josh's fingers. "Josh, I know what I want now. I mean I've always known, deep down, I've just never had the balls. It's just a question whether you want the same....I mean, I'm officially separated now but I know you might need time, you might have moved on, you know. Plus, with what went on with you and Peter ..."

"I hate you." Josh says, but it's with a smile.

"No you don't." Neil laughs back.

Josh takes in a breathy sigh. "I should take time to sort out my life. I should let myself heal." He looks up at Neil. "But I seriously wanna have sex with you so bad."

Neil lets out a laugh. "Josh, if we're seriously gonna do this, I wanna do it right. I want a relationship with you. No baggage, no skeletons, no secrets.

"Yeah...I hate you." Josh sighs.

"No you don't!" Neil laughs again. He stands up from the stool he was sitting on and picks up the black bag from the floor. "Come on...my place."

"But seriously Neil, can't we just..." Josh gets up from the stool.

"My place, Joshua. Let's get you back on your feet..." he leans across to Josh's ear, whispering words only for him. "...and only then, when the time is right, if you still want to..." he pulls away, looking at Josh with a warm smile.

Josh swallows hard. What was he going to let himself in for?

From behind the bar, Jojo watches as Josh follows Neil out of the bar. "Joshua Barrett...be careful what you wish for hun...it might just come true..."

***

The phone buzzes as Peter looks away from the tv to see who is calling him. He sighs, taking in the caller's I.D and reluctantly accepts.the call.

"Hey, Pete....look I'm sorry man."

Peter breathes out a long drawn breath. "You played your part well. Too well. Son of a bitch."

"Don't blame me. I was just doing what you asked me to....I can see why you were crazy about him."

"You weren't meant to sleep with him Stewart, you were just there to test him. That's all."

"Hey, what can I say? I have needs like anyone else. Josh is good at his craft. But I do have a question."

"What is it?"

"Who's Neil?"

The line goes quiet once again. Mainly due to Peter hearing 'that' name. That fucking name which plagues him. His grip on the phone tightens. "What do you want, Stewart?"

"Look...I feel bad, yeah. I thought...maybe I could come over? It's not like we have to sneak about anymore."

"Sure." Peter sighs. I've got nothing else to lose...

...but he has..."