closed doors (Alex Gaskarth fanfic)

Flash backs

*Alex's POV*

Skylar and I never officially got back together, but neither of us cared. In that moment, it's as if nothing changed. We were in our  bed, and sky was fast asleep. Eyeliner that had run down her cheeks had stained her pale skin. Her lips; cracked and chipped. Drops of tears rest on the edges of her eyelids, threatening to spill, but resisting. She was so beautiful, how could I have done this to her? She was still beautiful, but her inner spark seemed to have faded.

The way she used to have that slight smile while she slept, the quiet snores that emerged from her nostrils, the smirk she got when I tightened my grip on her stomach had gone. They'd turned into a slight frown when she started a nightmare, the snores that once were as soft as a kitten had gone silent, and the smirk she got turned into stiffening that was followed by an uneasy rest. Everything I'd once loved about her, had seemed to only be a memory, because of me. I killed the spark in her, her spirit. I killed her happiness. All because of  a stupid, drunken, pitiful mistake.

The sad part is that I have no idea how to reignite the flame of her personality. I had no idea how I was supposed to make that perfect smile of hers return. I didn't know how to make her feel safe again. I didn't know how to bring back what we once had....or if it was even possible. As I was lost in deep thought, sky shuffled next to me. She had single tear drops lining up down her face. The eyeliner had faded with her skin tone, making a gray tint fill her cheeks. Her cracked lips were quivering rapidly. She hiccupped small, silent dry-heaves every now and then. I could hear my heart break through my ears. I shook her awake lightly, to realize she wasn't sleeping. I pulled her up and cradled her as she sobbed.

I let tears freely fall as I rocked her back and forth. Once she had calmed down, I looked her in the eyes. I could see every bit of broken piece that scarred her once glorious eyes. A cloud of sadness roamed the skies of her normally light blue pools. The eyes I had fallen in love with, were sending waves of regret and sadness through mine. They were killing me. "Skylar, I am so sorry. I broke you. I never should've made this huge mistake. It's ruined my life, and clearly yours hasn't been a picnic. I could never want anyone else. You are the love of my life, Skylar. I don't know what I would do without you. I've had two months to try and figure it out, and I still don't have a theory. I never thought I would see you again..and now that I do...I see how much I have broken you. I know that no matter how many times I apologize, it wont make you any less untrusting. I understand why you wouldn't trust me. I don't know how to make it up to you, or if I can."

She cried harder, but it was silent. She was silent. She opened her mouth to speak, but she could only mutter my name a few times. "I...I love y-you s-so much...I just-t...I don't know w-what to d-do...I want to believe you, but its h-hard.." she sobbed more. She gathered herself and met her glossy gaze with my own. She sighed and opened her mouth once more. "You have been the only thing in my life that gave me any hope; any true happiness. You never questioned me. You never expected anything back. You put an effort to show me you cared. I thank you for that. You're the only person I have ever said I loved you to. The minute I started opening up and trying, you shot me down. How am I supposed to know that everything you did with me, you didn't do for her. I fucking love you, Alex. I believe that you love me too...but I don't think its as much as you say. I just wanted commitment, a future, a direction. You couldn't give me that. I want you to be only mine, how am I ever supposed to believe I could have that now? I don't know if you can fix this...you don't even know what you want.." and with that she stood up, and solemely walked out of the room.

She was right. I ruined this. I ruined her. I ruined myself. I built her up, and tore her down. She couldn't fully trust me anymore. I had to do something to keep her with me...I couldn't lose her again. I couldn't lose her ever. I wanted her with me forever. That's when it hit me, when everything hit me at once. It was a long shot, but I didn't know what else to do.. I ran outside to find her half way to her car. I called her name and ran to her like my life depended on it. Which in my case, it did. She looked up at me with mixed emotions floating around in her eyes. She was still crying, and with every tear, my heart broke a little more.

"Skylar, I understand what I did, and how much it affected you. I know that what I did might even be unforgivable..but I regret it with every inch of my being. I know what I want, however. I've always known. I have never been confused about it. I want you, forever. I want to turn around in the morning to meet your beautiful face, and your morning voice. I want to wake up and hour early to make you breakfast in bed and watch you try and think of an equal gesture. I want to have a future with you, and no one else. I want to dedicate my life to restoring what we once had. Skylar..." I paused, she was stuck in her spot. Mixed emotions drenching her face. I took a deep breath and reconnected our gaze.

"skylar..I love you...Will you marry me?"

*****

A/N

okay, I'm fairly sure this is my longest chapter, I'm sorry. Also, listening to twenty one pilots and writing this was not my best idea. But, none the less, I hope you enjoyed it. I will try to update more often. Thank you all so much for reading. You're all lovely.