Totrium

Chapter Sixteen: Divulgence

"What brings you up here?" Jacques asked in surprise.

Adrian gazed at him, noting the way the moonlight gleamed off his black hair and reflected in the deep brown eyes. He cleared his throat. "Couldn't sleep. What about you?"

"Yeah, me neither."

"What happened to that guy you were with?" He tried to hide the jealousy in his tone.

Jacques shrugged, making his way over and sitting beside him. "You know me. Not much luck with men."

"Oh. That's too bad."

"Eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "I've gotten used to it."

There was silence.

"So, why can't you sleep?" Adrian asked, staring out at the city again.

"It's... the same old stuff."

"Your parents?"

"I just... can't seem to move past what happened. It's better than it was several days ago, but it still feels so raw, like it just happened." Jacques clenched his jaw as his eyebrows furrowed slightly. "I thought I'd finally fucking moved past letting them affect me, but apparently not."

"I think anyone would be upset. I was upset, and I'd never even met your parents before."

Jacques considered him then exhaled quickly before glancing away again. "I know I've been distant this last week, Ian, and I'm sorry for that."

"There's no need to apologize."

He sighed. "I like who I am, who I chose to be after leaving them," he propped a hand under his chin, "but seeing them again, it was like all that progress just disappeared. It felt like I was back living in their shitty house again, unable to leave."

"Your progress didn't disappear, Jacques. You're still you, at least, the you I know anyway."

He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Thanks."

"Of course."

There was a pause.

"Well, enough about that. What's bothering you?"

Adrian blinked over at him. "W-who says I'm bothered?"

He snorted. "Well, other than the fact that your face reveals everything you're thinking, you usually can't sleep when something's troubling you."

"I'm that easy to read, huh?"

"Ohhh, yeah." Adrian couldn't help but grin at that. "Do you want to talk about it?"

The expression melted and he gave a small exhale. "You know, my life before this was very different. I was never really allowed to be myself or do things for myself. Everything was for the sake of the, um, family, so I grew up with very set roles. I wasn't allowed to be anything except what they told me to be, and because of that, I don't really know who I am. I don't know how to not be a leader or a symbol for others. I don't know how to do things just for me or choose things that only I want or..." someone that I want, he finished in his head.

"Or?" Jacques repeated.

Blue eyes met brown. "I'm afraid to open up too much. Last time I shared everything with someone, it was Madi, and well, you know how that went. I don't want to get hurt again." He exhaled softly. "I hate exposing myself."

"I understand that. You know though, the more you open up to the right people, the more freeing it is, and then you can move on with your life and not carry so much shit around."