Hurt People Hurt People

Chapter Thirty Seven:

I didn't know anything these days. But I did know that it had been two weeks and four days since he had been gone.

I checked my phone daily, but nothing was ever there, save for the attempts to talk from Arya that I found myself refusing to respond to. I couldn't figure out if I was thankful or devastated by Alex's silence.

"It's not like you text him, either."

"You're right."

"No wonder he gave up on you."

I was silent a second, before agreeing, "Yes."

It was like The Voice tried to goad me into giving up my passiveness just so that it might shut down my enthusiasm once more. I wouldn't let myself be dragged into that, I thought, but sometimes my façade slipped.

"You're letting yourself go, Layla. I feel the rage in you - no, you feel the rage in you."

''And you expected it to completely disappear? I can suppress it, but I can't get rid of it."

"That's not good enough."

"Nothing ever is."

"There it is again! you're still sad, still angry, still bitter. Will you never learn?

"I have!"

"No, you haven't. You never could."

"So, what, you want me to give up this and go back to feeling everything? is that what you would rather?"

"I would rather you just listened and learnt!"

"From you? you, after all you have done? half of what happened has been your fault. If you hadn't made me doubt everything, I wouldn't have doubted it!"

"But you did, Layla. I am you."

"No, you're not me. You're the worst parts of me, yes, but you're not me."

"All of you is the worst part of you."

"Don't say that, because it's not true. I know that. I can be kind. I can be loving. I can be happy. You just won't let me! you're consuming everything, my whole life. You're draining my feelings and my best qualities. Why? what helps you?"

"No, what helps you! what do you not comprehend? I am you! you are doing this for you. I am doing exactly what your subconscious longs for. I'm helping you. I'm your only friend in the world."

"I thought you were me?"

"Yes, Layla. I am. You are your only friend in the world."

"That's not true! Arya cares. Look, look at my phone, she is still trying. Fine friend I am being to her!"

"Then text her," it challenged.

"You're only saying that to test me. You think I won't do it. Well, watch me."

"Oh, I will."

Sitting on my bed, I stared across at my phone that was lying on the windowsill.

I hesitated.

"See."

Without a seconds thought, I leapt up, snatching it into my hands. I snapped it open, clicking 'on'.

"You're just bluffing."

"Yeah? watch how well I bluff."

I began unlocking it, my fingers dancing across the letters on the keyboard, fueled with fury and defiance.

"You wouldn't text her. Think of all the roads that opens up, all the conversations you will have to endure. . . "

"You think?"

Contacts. Arya was at the top. I tapped into her last message, that read,

Arya✨
Hey, I know you probably
don't want to talk and I understand,
that. I love you lots. But I had to
text Theo to double-check you
were still alive, dude ...

"See, she must hate you! might as well just forget her, like everyone else. Oh, wait, you haven't forgotten them either, though, have you?"

"Playing on emotions doesn't bother me anymore."

I rapidly began typing a reply, letting my words sprawl into all of the apologies and gratitude that my heart ached with the weight of.

"Stop that! she doesn't want to read that you're sorry. How pathetic does that make you look? go on, save the last of your dignity. Delete the message. Quickly now. Wait, stop, stop it!"

"I'm tired of stopping."

I paused, breathing heavily. I read aloud to myself, "Hiya Arya, I just wanted to say that I can never express how terrible I feel for the way that I have disregarded you so absolutely for NO reason whatsoever, when all that you have ever done for me is listen and wait without once complaining. I am so so sorry. I'm a terrible friend, please forgive me. Love you, and thank you. X, X, X, X," I finished, smiling triumphantly.

"Put it down! she won't want to hear it, honestly. Believe you me."

"I don't want to believe me, not after I've lied to myself for so long. I don't believe anything, I only know things. And I know that this is right."

"Stop it! no, Layla, stop!"

"Watch me!" I cried into the empty room. With a force that grew from my own delight, I slammed my finger down onto the send button - and began laughing hysterically.

"You silly, silly girl," The Voice hissed.

"Tell me something I don't already know."

"You obviously don't know you're silly, or else you wouldn't have let yourself down like you just did."

"If I'm so bad, then why don't you just go away?"

"I never go away, Layla. I can be quiet forever, but the bad parts in people don't just go away."

"Then be quiet forever. It's not like I'll miss you."

"Oh, yes, you will. Every terrible mess you get yourself into, you'll wish me back to warn you off it. I am the voices of your caution, your fear, worry, terror, bitterness. I am here to guide you."

"I'm sure I'll do a lot better without any of those things."

"Believe me, you wouldn't. Besides, even if I did go away, your caution and fear et cetera wouldn't. Because I'm not them. I'm merely a reminder of them, to stop you from plunging yourself further into the trouble you seem to thrive in, the hurt you seem to crave."

"I don't crave being hurt. But I seem to be good at it."

"If you just listened -"

"No, if you just listened! I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad, and bitter, and all of those things you just said. And like you said, I do thrive on them. I need them to survive, we all do. I don't live on them, but I depend on having them close. I won't spend my whole life numb to everything, that wouldn't be living. Now get off me! get off! I don't want this anymore. I don't care if it kills me, I want to feel again. And I will - watch!"