Hurt People Hurt People

Chapter Twenty Nine:

I didn't see him the next day, but the one after that we trudged again to our park, resting under the tree where we had first kissed. He had his arm around my shoulders, but I was bolt upright and tense. He was speaking about something, but I wasn't really listening. It was only when I heard a distinct change of tone that I looked across.

''What, sorry?"

"Are you alright?" he asked, frowning.

"Me? Yeah, fine. Why?"

"I don't know, you just seem really . . . Up tight," he said, scratching the back of his head.

"No, I'm fine. Bad back, that's all."

"And a sleepless night, and no food or drink, and near tears the whole time . . . Come off it. I know when you're lying! Now, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, okay? You were right, just a bad night. A bad few nights, actually. I'm tired, and my back does hurt, as a matter of fact."

"Nothing is fact with you anymore, Lay," he sighed.

I turned my head to glare at him, demanding, "What do you mean by that?"

"You know," he said unhappily, moving his arm away.

"I don't, so would you like to explain?" I challenged.

"Oh, just leave it!"

"I'm not going to leave it now that you've started it, so why don't you say what you so obviously want to?"

"For fuck's sake! look, all I'm saying is that- that we both are very aware of the issues we've got right now, and that because of that . . . You know."

"I don't know, Alex," I said, thickly.

". . . That things are tough right now, and the pressure for both of us is huge."

"What are you saying, then?"

"I just told you!"

"No, cut the crap and tell me what you really mean. I'm tired of being deceived, Alex, I'm really tired!" I burst, standing up. He was silent, watching me solemnly. "Stop with the lies. Tell me something true! for Christ's sake, please just tell me the truth. You're better than all of this. So am I."

He nodded once, turning his head away. The sun came out from behind the clouds, alighting him with freckles of dappled sunlight. He looked so perfect there, sitting under the vivid green tree. And for a second - just one second - I fell in love with him all over again with the same depth and unconditionality as I had at first. Then he tore up a handful of grass and threw it in frustration, and the spell was broken, returning me to the state of love that I currently felt: a sort of detatched, hopeless, already-given-up kind of feeling.

"I think we're coming to an end," he said, bitterly.

And even though I'd thought a million times to myself in the last two weeks that we weren't going to last, and that it would be better for us both (more so him) if we gave it up, the breath caught in my throat.

"What?"

Because no matter how many times I thought it was best, thought it was kinder, I never really wanted it. Not for a second did I truly believe wholeheartedly it would be best, because I knew the very thought of letting him go drove me to tears, and the real thing would kill me. But here we were. He was letting go, too. The one thing that held us together was letting go.

He saw my face, scrambled to his feet and started reaching out for me, but I backed away. "That doesn't mean that we should give up, though! Don't take it like that, you know that's not what I meant. We can still get past this!"

"What do you mean, we can get past this? You just said we were coming to an end! You can't get past the end, Alex!"

"Not the end, the end. Just . . ."

"Then it's not the end, then, is it? 'the end' means 'the end', and that's how you meant it!"

"Don't tell me how I meant it!" he snapped.

"You just told me. I don't need to remind you."

"Then don't!"

"I won't," I hissed, turning to go.

He grabbed my wrist, holding me in place.

''Let me go!"

"No, I'm not letting you go! I'm not ready to let you go yet."

"You obviously are," I spat. "How long have you been?"

"I'm not, okay? I only said it 'cause that's what I was worried about. We're together, that's what we're supposed to do, isn't it? Tell eachother our worst fears?"

"There's no point acting as a couple and telling eachother our fears if they're about not being a couple!"

"You have taken this," he said, breathing heavily, "Way out of line."

"Don't tell me what's out of line, Alex, don't you dare. Let go!" I added, tugging my wrist free.

"You're fucking crazy," he groaned, kicking the tree.

That hurt me more than it should have. I saw him there, kicking our tree and flaking it's ancient, fragmented bark, rage in his face, telling me I was mad, and everything in me screamed "slap him!" . But I could never hurt him the way he was hurting me.

I folded my arms protectively around myself, holding myself in a way I knew he never could, blinking back the tears. "Tell me something I don't already know."

Alex glared at me. "Really? You want me to do that?"

"I'd love you to do that!" I snapped, emotion spiking my voice and raising it louder than it was meant to be.

"Fine! You're vain, and narrow-sighted, and so selfish-"

"Selfish?" I gasped. "Selfish?"

"Yes, selfish!" He shouted.

"You tell me how I'm selfish!"

"Now! Right now! You're taking all of your issues out on me, and no matter how hard I try you're always distant, you never even try."

"Alright, now I'll tell you how I'm not!" I cried. "I have sat here, I have stayed with you, even when I've wanted nothing but to be alone. Since we first started dating I have always been here, and I've never, not once felt like I am. I've gone crazy out of my head, I've been blamed and bullied and picked at and told I'm a bitch over and over and over, and then! Then, your dad assaults me! Your dad. Even after all of that, I have stayed. And that is more then you have ever deserved!"

He was pale, his lips compressed into a thin line, his whole body shaking a little.

"It's the end now, Layla. Time to let go."

"I have never done anything but love you," he suddenly said, quietly. "And that is far more than you have ever deserved."

Then he turned, and walked noiselessly off into the wood. I watched him, utterly still, until he was gone, and when he finally was I wheeled around and ran away from there as fast as I could.