Hurt People Hurt People

Chapter Thirty Two:

I was growing to detest being correct. The day that followed was cold and misty, pouring with rain, and it was as we were driving back home along the motorway listening to music that the tears came. I hunched down into my coat, holding my hand in front of my face so that no one could see, staring out of the window as I listened to the song by Leon, Die For You - it had been my favourite for a months, but never had the words wrought such misery in me.

"I know we said we shouldn't talk, but I lost a friend and maybe that's the hardest part."

******

I don't remember getting out of the car. I must have covered my face, or I may have ran to the front door. Thinking of it now, I wonder what the neighbours would have seen: the only young girl on the street whom they had known since she was a baby, her face stained black with mascara and dark circles.

I remember with clarity, though, rushing to the stairs into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me and sobbing, allowing my heart to break apart into the pieces it seemed destined to be in.

My Alex. Gone.

He would move on with his life, marry a girl much prettier than me, have kids, grow old. I would never have a part in any of it, let alone the center role like we had planned.

The boy who stole my first kiss. Cradled my hand. Sang loudly and off-key in the middle of the road. Told me he would love me until the end of the world.

"So what, this is the end of the world, now, is it?" The Voice snapped.

I cried harder.

"Remember that day at the fair? that time he first layed his eyes on you, he thought you were something special. Beautiful, caring, bubbly. You didn't care that he wasn't the coolest guy around, wasn't the most handsome. What he liked so much was that no matter how many taller, more instantly gorgeous and charming guys looked at you, you never turned your head for an instant. That was a year ago, today."

Rage burst inside me again. He had waited until our one year anniversary of meeting to break up with me? Or was it just bad luck, fate continuing to plot against us?

I gasped for breath, my ribs aching. Oh, how it had plotted! how it had worked tirelessly to destroy us - and we let it. I'd always sworn the world was not my master, that it would have no design in my life, but evidently I was wrong. There was so much I was wrong about, it terrified me. I couldn't be sure on anything, not love, not hope, not dreams or future whims.

"Within six months of that year, though, he rapidly discovered that no, you weren't bubbly anymore. You were sour, morbid and angry at the world. You weren't caring anymore, instead, cruel, selfish and unkind. And you were never beautiful. You had just hidden your ugliness inside."

Was it true? was I as hideous inside as I knew I was without?

"Yes. This is your fault. I tried to tell you, I tried, but you would not listen, just like Leah never listened to you, even when she asked for your help. You were so convinced he'd never give up on you even when he realised you could give him no happy future."

"I could have!''

"No, Layla, you couldn't. How could you? you can't even give yourself one! he saw that, Jarrett saw that, that's why he helped Alex find out what you were doing yesterday and today in order to split with you. Everyone could see it, but not you! never you, Layla, never you!"

"I know I was wrong. I know that. Why remind me? why torture me when I'm going to torture myself anyway? no, to hell with torturing myself, I have my punishment! Alex it gone. Leah is gone. The two people whom I loved as much as anything in this world - gone! and I'm the common the factor. Even when they were hurting, even when they were killing themselves and blaming themselves and hating themselves, I couldn't make them feel loved or safe, no matter how I tried. I was so consumed with myself and my own woes. Oh, god, what have I done? Alex, oh god, Alex. How could you leave me like this, how could you?"

"Look at yourself! rocking back and forth on the dirty bathroom floor like a lunatic. No wonder they gave up on you, and you still blame them!"

"I don't blame them! Stop it!"

" 'How could you leave me, Alex'. That sounds nothing like an accusation to me!"

"God's sake, leave me alone! have you got no empathy? yes, look at me! I'm too hurt for this, I'm too hurt! go away. Go. You think you'll effect me, you, but look at what's going on. This doesn't hurt me anymore. Him. He effects me. Leah trying to kill herself. That effects me. Leah blaming it on me. That effects me. Never speaking to her again. That effects me. Being assaulted by my boyfriend's dad, both of us being forced apart and then him breaking up with me at my worst, that effects me!"

The Voice was silent a moment.

"What?"

"You might want to rephrase that."

"Rephrase what?"

"The part speaking about John."

"Why?"

"You said 'my boyfriend's dad'."

"And?"

And then it hit me. So hard I drove my fist into the wall, regardless of the beads of blood that formed on my ghostly white knuckles and began trickling down my hands. Because The Voice was right - he wasn't my boyfriend anymore.

*

*****

On 14th of June, that day at the fair, I had had so much. Freedom, fun, friendship, a boy interested in me. I'd held onto those factors, dragging them with me through all the sorrow, and one by one they had dropped off. Now, I retained none of them. Somehow, amid all of this bitterness, I had lost everything that mattered to me.