Consequences

50-Leave me alone

*Jenna's POV*

JENNA COLEMAN FAN ACCOUNT ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
The title left an imprint in my brain. SUICIDE. SUICIDE. SUICIDE. I stagger back, overwhelmed by the newspaper title. I am too lightheaded to stand now, I start to collapse but Matt rushes forward to catch me before I fall to the floor.

Nothing

I think she's awake..." Tom's calm voice fills my ears as my eyes flicker open.
"Matt...." I whisper.
"Yes honey?" He replies instantly.
"Tell me it's not my fault."
"It's not your fault."
"But..."
"No Jenna, it's not your fault."

I sit up slowly and bring myself closer together. That's when it really hits me. Attempted suicide... I break down and start to cry.
"Hey... Jenna honestly it isn't your fault." Matt reaches his arms around me.
"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I shout. I don't know why. I mean it's Matt and he promised he loved me and would never leave me but I don't want to drag him into this. I should be left alone because in the end it is my fault. It's my fault that this person died or almost did. I haven't even read the article I just saw the title. Oh god. Oh my god. Their family.... Their poor family. I'm such a monster. What have I done..? I caused this. No one else but me. I'm not worth Matt and he should leave me alone. My friends should too. All these guys, Karen, Arthur, Tom, Ben, Emma, Sophie, Zac, Yvonne. They're way too good for me and should leave me alone. That's the reason I got away from Matt. Because I love him so much but I'm not worth him. I can't stay near him.
"Don't touch me..." I repeat in a whisper knowing it's the thing I have to do. Even if it's breaking my heart. I stand up carefully, still very dizzy and start to move out the room and upstairs. Salty tears are still falling down my face and it's slightly blurring my vision but I keep moving. I can tell they're following me so I turn around to face them.
"I'M HORRIBLE! OKAY I KNOW. I GET IT. DON'T TOUCH ME I'M NOT WORTH IT. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE" I shout the words sadly.
"JENNA NO! LISTEN TO ME! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUSH US AWAY."
I take a deep breath knowing what I have to do but really really don't want to. It's better this way but it will hurt Matt.... And me... Not as much as if I stay with him though,"Matt, I never loved you. I'm leaving. Stay away from me. I lied... We are done and I have never loved you. Don't come after me..." I finish the heart breaking message and start to cry even more before I turn and run up the stairs. No one follows me so I guess they got the message.

Oh god. What have I done? Why did I have to do that..? Because... Because it's better for them that way. I can't let them be harmed by me. I need to go. But that hurt. That really hurt. I wish that I didn't have to do it... But in the end I know that Matt will be better off that way. Even if I won't. He will... And that's all that matters.

Angrily and sadly I pack my bags and shove everything in together. Not really caring if I miss anything. I'm done in about five minutes and run back downstairs with my bags. I try not to look at the huddled group on the sofa. I can tell they're huddled around Matt. Just keep moving and you'll be fine. Quickly I push on my shoes and leave my ski boots and other gear. My coat gets thrown on too. Before I know it, I'm walking out the door. I pause long enough to see Matt crying on the sofa surrounded by his friends that he deserves. With that final heart breaking image in my head, I slam the door and start walking somewhere. Anywhere... I don't care.

A couple of hours later

"Thank you." I mutter to the taxi driver chucking him fifty euros and then grabbing my stuff and hurriedly rushing into the Grenoble airport. Immediately I see a purchase/information desk and rush over to join the queue. A couple of people look at me and I see them noticing my bloodshot eyes and tear stained face. I turn my head away and look down at the floor. That's when I see the flash of cameras. Oh for fucks sake. Stupid paps. They can go kill themselves. Kill themselves. Suicide... No... No they can not go kill themselves. No I'm so sorry I said that. No one should ever kill themself, because someone told them too. I ignore the flashes and can already imagine the titles in tomorrow's paper. Security come then and escort them out the airport. Thank god. They still keep taking them through the window, before finally getting escorted completely off the area. I've attracted so much attention now that practically the whole airport is looking at me. I sigh and shuffle further forward in the clue. Soon enough I reach the front and look up at the lady there.
"Bonjour Madame, bienvenue à Grenoble."
"Sorry... Errrr... Je suis..... L'Anglais?" I attempt.
"You're English?" She says in perfect English but still with her accent.
"We're oui... I mean yes."
"How may I help you?"
"I'd like one ticket to Gatwick today."
"One second..." She pauses and I wait,"Sorry but there are no tickets available Madame."
"What do you mean?" I start to panic,"There has to be."
"No. The next available flight is tomorrow midday."
"Fine... I'll take it," I mutter very annoyed at how long I'll have to spend at the airport.
"Thank you for your understanding... Here is your ticket." She smiles at me and I weakly nod at her.

I wander off to sit down at a spare seat. Oh yeah... I completely forgot. I've done enough traveling that I earned points to go wait in the VIP lounge. Right off I go.

Five hours later

Another flight announcement gone and I'm still here. I've got about nineteen hours till my flight and I have no idea what I'll be doing for those hours. I have to do something. I decide to go and change since I'm still in the tshirt and jogging bottoms I wore this morning. I search through my suitcase and pick out underwear and other clothes I need. That's when I find a screwed up dark tshirt. That's not mine. It's way too big. Oh it's Matt's... I hug it to my chest fondly. I need to stop. I can't still be in love with him. I know I am but I need to stop myself. He's better off without me. Jenna just go get changed.

Three hours later

A tall figure approaches me and I adjust my eyes from staring blankly to see that Ben is standing over me. I had another break down so hunched up on the floor and then forgot to move.
"Jenna..." He sighs pulling me up and sitting us both down on the lounge sofas.
"Ben... I can't be friends with you anymore. I'll ruin it and I'm not worth you. You're amazing and I'm... Well I'm not."
"No Jenna. You're amazing and you think you're helping us by going away. You're not. We need you but right now you need us and we'll get you through this. Matt loves you and I know you do too. I promise this isn't your fault."
"But it is!" I say through tears,"I caused someone to try and kill themself!"
"No! You didn't."
"I did there's no denying it."
"You did not. You didn't know they existed..."
"But they knew I did. And if I didn't exist they would never have tried to kill themself."
"No Jenna. You're too hard on yourself. This is not your fault."
"Ben you may say that but I can't believe that."
"Jenna..."
"I'm sorry.... I have to leave you and Matt and everyone because I'm not worth them. I did this and until I fix it. I don't know how... But until I do, I will not come near any of you again. Now please leave. If you truly are my friend then you'll leave."
"Jenna!"
"Ben, please.... Do this for me. Just please. Leave me alone and don't think of me. Live your life happily and love Sophie and try to make Matt understand that it's better this way. No. Don't tell Matt. It's better if he thinks I didn't love him." I gasp and start to cry.
"Jenna..." He whispers.
"Just leave me..." I whisper back and look down as another tear spills onto my lap. He slowly gets up and walks away.

The next day: the plane

Finally I'm on this plane. On my way back to England. Well it hadn't actually taken off yet, ten more minutes and I will be. I've had ages to think but I haven't come up with anything I should do yet. Maybe it'll finally come to me on this plane ride... I bought the newspaper with the dreaded story in it but haven't looked at it yet. I'm waiting until I'm in the air so I have nothing else to do and I can't run from it.
"Ladies and Gentleman. Madames et Monsiers." The speaker fills the plane repeating the same speech I've heard millions of times. I don't even need to listen I know the emergency procedures so well.

I suppose this is it. Hello new life. Hello new ideas. Hello better Jenna...

Goodbye Matt Smith....

Sorry. Ahhh. This is hard for me too. I'm almost crying... Yes you could argue that I'm in control but still splitting your otp up and then dealing with it is hard. Another part of me feels evil and Moffat like though... Ha ha ha ha ha. You asked for drama... I have you drama. Oh this isn't the end I'm not that mean... There is more to come, don't worry. But I love you all even if you now hate me. Okay bye also sorry for my awful french I just did it without really thinking and it's probably not at all right.