Keep Breathing ♢ James Potter

34 | Entry 24 - No Guilt at War

October 13, 1978

Dear Diary,

The past few weeks have been, well to put it short, difficult.

I haven't seen James since our fight two weeks ago that night after the raid on Hogsmeade. I can't say I'm surprised; it was inevitable really. I know I should feel guilty about my actions, but I can't bring myself to feel sorry for it.

We knew going into this that we were not going to be on the same side of the battlefield, as much as he was hoping to "save me" like the damsel in distress he believes me to be. I will not apologize for doing what I need to do to keep my family safe.

Why should I feel guilty over my actions as if their hands aren't stained red too? Why must I be painted as a villain after being forced into a war I don't want to be in? Why should we be sorry for trying to stay alive?

I hope that in the end, this is all worth it.

A.B.

-

Harry was standing in the middle of the silent cabin, neither his father nor Astrid anywhere to be seen. He looked around the cabin, making a note of the new decorations and picture frames that were scattered around the house. There were ones of Astrid and James, Astrid and Regulus, and Astrid with Ember and Kai.

But the one that caught his eye the most was the one by her bedside that pictured the Black family tree. One with Orion and Walburga Black on the back, with a younger Sirius, Astrid, and Regulus sitting in the front. It almost looked like a normal family Christmas photo and the more Harry looked, the more he thought he saw a small smile painted on Walburga's face. December 25, 1965.

Suddenly, the front door flew open, and the sound of frantic footsteps and raised voices startled Harry.

"Are you out of your-."

Recognizing the sound of his father's voice, Harry dashed to the living room to see what was happening.

Astrid was in the common room taking her coat off as James seemed on the edge of ripping his head off. James was speaking a million words a minute, almost as if his head were about to explode. Astrid on the other hand stayed silent, ignoring James's rant as she went to go fix herself a cup of tea. Despite her calm demeanor, Harry knew she was anything but.

"I don't understand, what on Earth where you are doing there. Do you know how dangerous it can be to roam around by yourself during times like this? Never mind that it's Hogsmeade, it's been known that Death Eaters have been planning raids everywhere. And just imagine what would have happened in Sirius had seen you and Regulus. Involved or not he wouldn't give it a second thought before demanding to have you thrown right away Azkaban if he had any say. How can you be so reckless, can you imagine what would have happened if- ".

"Are you done?"

James stopped mid-sentence, freezing as he turned around to face Slytherin, who was calmly leaning against the counter and looking at the boy as she fixed herself her cup of tea.

"What?" James questioned, looking at her up and down as if waiting for her to grow a second head with how strangely she was behaving.

"I'm asking if you are done with your tantrum and are ready to speak like an adult."

James stared with his jaw dropped, shocked by how bluntly she spoke to him.

"I-"

"Actually no, I'm tired of listening to be quite honest with you. It's my turn to talk," Astrid interrupted quickly as she set down her teacup against the counter before staring right back at James were sharp eyes.

"First of all, don't you ever try to raise your voice at me again? I am a Black, and I will not be disrespected by anyone, even you." The look on her face was one that Harry had only seen a few times before, the same look that Narcissa Malfoy has when officials tried interrogating her after the imprisonment of her husband, Lucius Malfoy.

"Secondly, I don't see how my appearance in Hogsmeade is any of your concern. Last I checked, family members are allowed to visit their students during Hogsmeade weekends, are they not? It's a public place after all. Is it such a crime to want to spend my weekend drinking butterbeer with my younger brother?

"We both know that wasn't all you were doing, Astrid," said James timidly, looking directly into her eyes. These are the moments where James's true lion showed, not daring to shy away from the fierce look in the snake's eyes.

A dark look cast over her face as Astrid slowly raised her wand to point at James, almost daring him to utter one more word of what it sounded like he was accusing her of.

"What are you implying, Potter?"

Her words cut through the thick tension that filled the room from the second they entered.

"You think I was a part of the raid? Blimey, nice to know that my own boyfriend thinks that-" started Astrid before James cut her off.

"You nearly killed someone, Astrid!"

The room went silent. Astrid's eyes softened just silently before her face turned cold once again. James on the other hand couldn't control his emotions quite as well. He stared at the girl in shock, almost surprised to see the person in front of him.

"He pointed his wand at- "

"It's still a life Astrid! You could have killed him!" James broke out, looking as if his knees were about to buckle under his weight. "There are better ways to handle this. If we kill and resort to their same violence, then we are no better! That's why the Aurors are there, to bring them in, give them a trial, and let justice do its job. You can't just take matters into your own-"

"For Merlin's sake James we are at war!"

Silence fell over the room.

"I know that. "

"No James, I don't think you do know. Or else we wouldn't be having this conversation. We are at war James, and war means people are going to die. Sooner or later, you and the Order will need to accept that there will be casualties. Yes, I hexed someone. But it was either them or us, and you be damned if you think I will be sorry for protecting my family! I'd kill a thousand lives if it meant protecting my brother."

Astrid looked at James almost pitifully, lowering her wand at her side.

"Wouldn't you do the same for Sirius?"