A Journey that change's everything

Ch 19: Figuring love out

Just a warning, there's a lot of BDD(body Dysmorphic disorder), panic attacks, and some body shaming near the middle that might make people uncomfortable. And you knows it's bad if I'm putting a warning.
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REDSONS POV: Closing my eyes reminded me about what I said to Noodle boy and Mother so I wasn't asleep for long. I gasped and sat up gasping for air. 'Ew... I smell Like shit.' I thought as I looked around me to see if there was a bathroom so I could freshen up a bit. 'Gosh I'm going to have to walk... but I kinda like it her- WAIT A MINUTE! You have to leave NOW. That dumb peasant noodle boy will come back any time now.' I growled at his name. I forced Myself to stand up, even if it hurt a lot. I kept going. I soon was fully off the bed and was standing. I walked over to the door and opened it. It didn't help that I was struggling to stand. I peeked out into the hallway 'good no ones here I can-' and just like that my legs failed and gave up. I fell to the floor, now my body was in even more pain than before. I felt my anger rise to the fact that I couldn't even walk a couple of steps. I forced myself to get up again and marched over to the bathroom I spotted. I shut the wooden door behind me once I made it. "RAAHHHHHH!" I screamed, slamming my hands on the locked door a few times. "FUCK YOU NOODLE BOY!" I yelled as I hobbled over to the bathroom mirror. I gripping the edges of the sink tightly. Staring at myself. I looked at myself closely in the mirror scowling softly at my reflection. I looked exhausted, my scars were mocking me, there was a bloody wrap on my head, and my hair was being on fire from all the emotions I felt. My face was red out of anger and being flustered at the thought of that peasant. 'What am I doing?... Why am I even helping them? They've only ever tryed to ruin my life.' I sighed, looking down as my mind went back to Noodle boy. My face flushed up again. I don't understand why he makes me so flustered but I hate it! The dude is suppost to be my enemy but... everything about him just makes me so accepted, calm, and happy- No it doesn't matter if that idoit peasant makes me happy or not he's done nothing but make a fool out of me. I shook my head and let out a low growl that slowly turned into a yell as I smashed the mirror in front of me, in a few seconds the mirror was shattered. I felt tears sting my eyes. I tryed to ignore all the pain that was shifting through my hand and body but if I'm being honest I was failing horribly. Blood started to rush out of my hand along with my tears that I couldn't keep in. "Woah bud I've only been gone for a day, What happened?" I slowly raised my head to look through the shattered mirror at the person behind me. "I-I don't know what to do Macaque. I hate him but at the same time... I don't know." I mumbled looking back down at the sink. Little drops of water fell into the sink, those water drops were my tears. "Look kid I'm in this quest for two reasons, for you and for Wukong. I don't know what to tell you... I'm not the best with relationships but what it sounds like to me is that you love him, you just won't admit that to yourself. Trust me it's better to tell him how you feel rather than to push your emotions away and hurt yourself more. Trust me you do not want to do that I have experience." Macaque said plopping down on the toilet lid next to me. "Pft- so you were listening to me... for how long." I asked. "If it makes you feel better I hear you all the time. So the whole time I was 'gone' I heard you and the others on this jet. I can hear almost everything at any time if you forgot." Macaque smirked. "No I didn't... but what do you mean by I have experience? D-did something bad happen to you!? Can I help you talk it out?!" "PFT! Relax Red this was a long long time ago. But you know even if it was a long time ago I'm still thinking about it." "Your talking about Wukong right?" I sniffled "heh- you smart boy. Yes I am... you know were both in the same boat here right?" Macaque mentioned. "oh really how? What do you mean by that.... do you love Monkey king?" Macaque paused hearing my question. "Yes I do actually with all my heart... and to awnser your question about both of us being in the same boat is that.... well... we both are trapped in a circle of rage and love for a person. I'm still figuring out if I love or hate Wukong as well. But unlike you I'm trying to be honest with myself... in a way- BUT WHATEVER! The point is that sometimes you just have to come clean and face the truth. I guess that's why I'm here I guess... for a second chance... a new start for us. Though I'm still thinking about it." Macaque said, he sounded so much wiser than usual. "Wow....that's some serious shit right there Macaque... thanks." "no problem kiddo! I'm glad that I can help you!" I wiped my tears away with my arm and lifted my head up to look at him. "So does this mean your coming back? Is mother with you?..." I sniffled. "Yeah, were at flower fruit mountain right now. We can't get in the mountain so I just went to one of my hidden places. But anyways I got to go I hear your Mother calling my name, don't hurt yourself and stay safe okay?" "I'll try." I gave a small smile and he gave me his signature smirk, then dissappered into on of his shadow portals. Once Macaque was no longer seeable I started undoing the bloody used web roll that was on my head. I felt so light headed while doing it. Once I finished replacing the web roll from my head I moved down to the one on my stomach. "Oh buddha I should of asked Macaque for hel-" I stopped 'Wait a minute Macaque can hear me... I don't want to ask him for help again. what if I'm asking for to much and he starts hating me for it? He's the only person that loves me I can't lose him...' I continued undoing the web roll alone until it was off. I threw it in the trash can and then Picked up the roll of web roll and started rapping the new wrap onto my wound. To be honest my wound was worse than before it looked infected or something. It didn't hurt because of the potion Mother put on me but if that thing wore off I would be in complete agony... same for my head.... and arm. I felt tears slipping from my eyes. I let out a sob, I can't stand looking at myself... I was so ugly. Everything about me was terrifying. I was so fat, even when I hid it, you could clearly see it. My body was so chubby and was covered in a million ugly scars and horrifying bruises. My face looked worse. you could see light scars on it, I had huge dark eye bags that looked like garbage bags, and it was just so fat! It looked like I had a triple chin and don't get me started on my hair. It looked like a bird's nest it was so imperfect everything about me was terrifying. I started trying to fix everything but I couldn't I could still see a horrific monster looking back at me. I felt my hair start to burn up into fire. My cheeks were hot with tear. I was shaking. 'I have to fix my hair- no my clothes I look so fat- it looks like they could burst at any time now. No my arms, there covered in ugly scars and bruises-No I need to fix my face my chin looks so fat and hairy- HOW DO I DO THAT!?' My chest was starting to hurt. It was hard to feel or do anything but try to fix myself. I wasn't having fun. But I would be lying if I said this was the first time this has happened. I normally spend hours trying to fix myself and how I look I don't know why I just do. I don't dare tell anyone about it because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. My whole body was starting to catch on fire but I was to busy fixing myself. I couldn't breath right. My chest hurt. My head hurt. My legs hurt. I was dying.