In the end

Chapter 50

I'm caffeinated and ready to finish packing for the trip.
Whilst packing I realise I have something missing but I'm not sure what it is.
I look into my checklist note and everything is ticked and already in my suitcase so I'm most likely overthinking.
I close my suitcase up and place it in the corner of my room ready to go for tomorrow.
Now all I need to do is shower and prepare for tomorrows journey.

Next morning...

I've already woken up and had breakfast, today is the day of the trip and my nerves are all over the place.
Jordan is going to be at the trip and I have no idea whether jax is coming or not.
'Sweetheart do you have everything you need?'
I check my phone and then look back up to my mum.
'Yep, hopefully I haven't forgotten anything' I look at my phone to check when Micheal is going to come with the car.
He was at home last night but he went somewhere early in the morning which I have no idea where.
'Butterfly?' My dads voice creeps in from behind my mum.
'Dad?'
'Do you need any money?'
'I'm guessing not but I don't know' I reply
My dad goes into his phone really quickly and I get a notification on my phone seconds later.
My dad transferred me some money, enough for any emergencies.
'Thank you dad' I smile at him and he gives me a quick wink before kissing my mum.
'I'll be in the office'
My mum nods
'Michaels here!' I say and grab my bags and suitcase
'I'll help you princess daisy' mona says grabbing one of my bags from my hand.
'Thank you mona'
I hug my mum and walk out the door to where Micheal is with the car trunk open.
'Where was you?' I ask and he doesn't reply
'Okay, silent treatment. Got it' I say and place my bags and suitcase all in the trunk.
'Let's go' he says and I jump into the front seat.

The whole journey to campus felt very short, I was mostly thinking about what will happen during the next full week but then yet again, what would happen?
I'm overthinking too much.
By the time I could gather my thoughts we were already at campus and there was a huge bus waiting at the front and a bunch of people outside with their suitcases.
I scan my eyes amongst the crowd and I don't see jax or Jordan anywhere.
Micheal stops the engine and gets out the car.
I stay inside the car a little long, continuing to observe the surrounding.
Nope, they're no where to be found.
I sigh in relief and get out of the car to go help Micheal with taking out the suitcases.

The whole year was gathered around together waiting for a professor to come out to check everyone in.
I'm next to Micheal waiting for the professor to check all the students in.
A few minutes pass and I hear an engine coming closer towards us.
I look to my left and see jax's car and right behind him is Jordan on his motorcycle.
My heart does a bunch of spins.
I knew jax knew about Jordan and I don't know how I feel about them both coming to the trip together.
I look at Micheal and I can see the discomfort in his face but he also went a little red which only means one thing.
Anger.
'Micheal please don't cause-'
'I won't' he gives a shaky breath out and I nod slightly before going back to looking at jax and Jordan both leaving their vehicles.

I take out my phone and try to act like im focused on something else because my mind is totally not on how jax my ex and jordan the guy im not sure about my feelings towards him: is here together.
I scroll through my notes app hoping the time goes by fast and the professor just gets on with letting us all go in to the coach.
Five minutes later and the professors voice finally speaks up
'Okay now one by one everyone can slowly get into the bus' The crowd goes silent and everyone starts gathering around the coach doors.
I sigh of relief, grabbing my bags and walking towards the huge crowd.
'Hey' I flinch when I hear the familiar voice coming right beside me.
'Err hi' I look at him then my surrounding.
God I hope jax is not near me.
'You okay?' Jordan tilts his head trying to catch my eyes
'Yeah I'm okay, you?' I scan the area and I don't see jax anywhere, maybe he went into the bus?
'Im okay I guess but I didn't ask it in that way, I asked if everything is alright cause your looking around like someone is stalking you'
I look back at Jordan and sigh
'I'm sorry. I'm just nervous about the trip'
'What's there to be nervous about?'
I look down at the floor
'A lot of things' I whisper
'Huh?'
'Nothing'
He gives a small smile and fixes his back pack that's resting on his shoulders
'You didn't bring a suitcase?' I ask him
'Didn't think I would need to'
'Fair enough' I smile at him
'Did you?'
'I wouldn't be me if I didn't exaggerate with bringing a suitcase' I chuckle.
He returns a laugh and nods
'Well I guess I have to get to know you more' he says and my smile fades as I stare into his eyes.
'That won't be necessary' a deep voice butts into our conversation
'You are?' Jordan asks the presence behind me.
'Her boyfriend'
'Ex boyfriend' I say quickly and turn my head to jax
His eyes looked down at me in a dark manner that sent shivers down to my spine in lust.
I felt every moment of his stare burn into my soul like he was trying to captivate me.
'Are you always trying to ruin moments for me?'
'What type of moment do you call this?' He looks at Jordan then back at me with cold eyes
'Anything without you in it'
'Princess I know you love my presence just as much as you love my-'
My whole body tenses and I didn't even think when my hand meets his face.
'You are disgusting. Leave me alone'
I clutch my bags and walk away from the scene.
I didn't realise how much I made a scene till I looked around me and saw everyone looking at me.
God I hate being known sometimes!

My hands were shaking so much and I couldn't keep my fingers still, they were keep fiddling with each other and soon the skin on my finger started peeling off leaving me with a painful scar.
I knew what jax was capable of. I've witnessed it when he kissed that girl in-front of me, but disrespecting me in front of everyone was something that stabbed me in the heart like nothing else.
The urge to leave this whole trip and just go home was tempting but I didn't want to give jax another reason to think he has control of my emotions.

'All right everybody! Come on let's all go into the bus'
I line up in the queue and wait for my turn to go into the bus.
When I'm finally in I take a seat at the front empty seat.
This journey was going to be hell of a lot and music is one way to help me forget.
I put my headphones on and wait till we depart.

I watch as Jordan enters the bus and he looks at me instantly and smiles. I smile back and go back to dozing off on my music.
The last thing I expected was him to sit next to me and he does exactly that.
Why am I not surprised?
Not only am I a nervous wreck right now but also because Micheal is looking at me weirdly.
Double the stress.
A few seconds pass and Jordan taps on my shoulder which makes me move my headphones to the side.
'Why are you always looking like you need therapy?'
'I beg your pardon?'
'You always look stressed or filled with anxiety'
Is it that obvious? No because..why would he even put it in that way.
'So your saying I look horrible?'
'Looking stressed doesn't mean you look bad. You cover it up well'
'Then how do you know I'm stressed?'
'I can read people well, love'
Love
You see I'm from London so I'm all around British accent but fuck.
When he said 'love' in that tone with the British accent...

{open the song now!}

'Well I'm not stressed so you failed to read me' I turn my head away from him and he didn't say anything back.
Was I too harsh?
This is exactly what I mean.
Jax makes me miserable and I end up lashing out on others.
'I'm sorry' I say and Jordan looks at me. I could feel his stare burn on the side of my face.
I couldn't look at him cause if I did I know I would cry.
I was humiliated infront of him, how could I ever act like that didn't happen?
'Why aren't you looking at me?'
'Because I'm afraid if I do I might cry'
'Why?'
'Why what?'
'I-'
'Think of all the reasons in your life that you cried over for'
Jordan cuts my sentence off and so I do what he says.
I think of every moment in my life when I cried and the reason to why I cried.

I start to make a list in my head:
- Age 4: I fell over a brick and skinned my leg.
- Age 5: I dropped my Mickey Mouse ice cream in Disneyland.
- Age 7: Our family dog lilis passed away
- Age 10: I got bullied for being chubby
- Age 12: Got rejected then made fun of by my school crush
- Age 14: First ever menstrual cramps
- Age 16:  Failing in a maths exam
- Age 17: Grandma Effie passed away
- Age 18: Failed my driving test
- Age 19: Cheated on by ben
- present: Finding out I'm infertile, seeing my boyfriend get engaged to another woman, being lied to by my boyfriend, witnessing my boyfriend kiss another woman in-front of me, being told I'm not good enough to be loved.....

The list would go on but I stop thinking about it.
I snap back into the present and I realise I'm not feeling edged to the point of crying anymore.
That's when I think about it...the reason im crying all the time is because I have hard time understanding myself and where my feelings truly come from.
I keep my feelings in all the time because I don't want to face the pain again and again but in reality, all I had to do to stop make it feel more painful is to face the fact that I am in pain.
I'm human and humans feel things, and my only job here is to reflect on it.
If I didn't spend so much time in blocking the hurt away then I wouldn't of been hurt at all.
What do we do when we face difficulties in life that we can't run away from? We face it..right?
Cause it goes both ways: bad or good.
But either have good to them because it's a lesson to be learnt and passed on.

I look at Jordan, his eyes closed and head resting on the seats neck rest.
The more I look at him the more our aura felt blue and pink.
He helped me think and untangle my thoughts, something I haven't done ever in my life.
He made me realise facing my problems will benefit me more than deceiving me.
My eyes go to his hand that was resting on his lap and I take it and wrap my fingers around his.
His eyes still don't open, as if he expected me to do that.
His hands tighten around my hand and he doesn't let go.
I feel safe. Safe around him.
'Thank you' I whisper and in reply he rubs his thumb up and down on my hand.