Heartbeat | KookJin ✓

36. I May Have Given Up

Seokjin's P.O.V.

The blinding sunrays hit my face as I forced my eyes open - covering them with the back of my hand. I can't remember when I fell asleep here in the living room. I even left the balcony open.

I can only sigh as I stepped outside of the balcony and stared far out. Looking over the busy streets of this city, indeed the world is revolving. But mine seemed to have stopped abruptly.

It has only been a couple of days since I came back to my apartment, but it felt like I've been locked up in here for years.

It seems like I've been traveling a vast ocean, not really knowing where I'm headed while I've been trying hard to prevent myself from drowning.

But no one is here to save me anymore. So I had to try and save myself.

I didn't notice my tears were already falling again until they hit my hands resting on the railings of the balcony. Isn't it too early to cry? I know I just woke up, but most of the time they just come, I had no more control of them.

I think I'm just getting used to it-- crying. Pain.

To experience a loss is something that I was always afraid of. When I lost Namjoon, it wasn't sudden like this-- I had time to process what I was about to face if Namjoon would not survive.

It was, of course, painful when he finally left me in this world. But at least I had a long warning. And I had his heart with Jungkook that I obsessed over and made me divert my anxiety to at the time.

But this-- I never imagined this to happen to me overnight.

Now I understand what they meant when they said no parent should have to bury their child.

Because it is difficult. It was a pain like no other. I could only clench to my chest as I cried my heart out, but no-- the pain is still here no matter how hard I squeeze and pound on my chest.

So then Yoongi took care of the very little urn of my child. I couldn't possibly do it. I asked him to place it beside Namjoon's. I know and I've seen them together in my dream. Therefore, it's just right for them to be together. Then maybe in time, I'll be ready to visit them both.

*******

Author-nim's P.O.V.

Jin had just finished taking a bath, but he had not eaten anything yet since he woke up. It was difficult for him to swallow just anything. And so he just soaked himself in the tub until he grew sick of it.

He then went to clean the living room - it was the only thing he could think of right now that would make him preoccupied around the house. He started with vacuuming the carpet, when his doorbell came on.

He took a deep breath as soon as he saw who was on the monitor. He set aside the vacuum, then opened the door slowly as he peeked outside.

"Jin? Is it not a good time to visit? Sorry for coming suddenly. You weren't answering my calls."

Jin slightly smiled, then he opened the door wide and let his visitor in, "Sorry, Hoseok. My phone only rings aloud for Yoongi's calls, no one else. Come in, please."

Hoseok nodded and stepped in. Jin then guided him to the small living room, he said before taking a seat, "I brought you kimchi jigae and ready-to-eat rice. Just pop them both into the microwave whenever you feel hungry."

Jin took the paper bag from Hoseok, "Thank you. You shouldn't have bothered, because I couldn't really eat that much. But I appreciate it."

"Jin, you should be eating a lot more. You have to regain your strength as you've lost too much blood and you're still recovering from your surgery."