Artificial Love (Thiam)

Chapter 32

Dear Caroline,

It's so strange writing you letters. I feel like I'm fifteen again. We're far from that though. My therapist suggested writing this to make my peace with you not being here. I feel a bit silly, but I'll give it a go anyway, and for the sake of my sanity, I'll pretend it's real. I'll pretend you can read it.

It's been a long time since we've spoken. Nearly a year.

There are the basic things. Theo and Liam well and truly look like men now. I won't even be surprised if I see Theo getting a grey hair any day now. Ellie is starting school soon, and all she can talk about is her big brother Theo. She really does see him like that.

Liam's coronation is in a few days, and I think he's nervous. I mean, I know he is, I suppose. But I think he's really nervous. He's wanted this since he was a kid, wanted to be great. I think he's terrified he won't live up to everything he wanted to be for our people. He's nearly twenty-three, and Theo's nearly twenty-four, and they are more than we ever hoped they'd be. Clever and lively and strong as all hell. I plan to read every single book I can conceivably get my hands on, now that I won't be Queen anymore. It's been a long lifetime of ruling, and I really believed you and I would get to live this part together. That we could go to wineries or film festivals, dance in our underwear and scream like we never could when we were Queens.

I'm heartbroken you're not here with me. You're not just my best friend, you're the only person who ever truly understood me. We were right to try to give the boys that too. It worked, when all is said and done. They're better and braver and smarter for having each other. Just like we were.

The tragedy part is that you're not here to see it all. That you and I didn't get to live out our freedom together.

The miracle part is that they didn't make the same mistakes.

This is the more nuanced part, I suppose. I like to imagine that you and Jon would've been thrilled, as I am, to see our boys as they are now. I like to believe you would've sat there and sobbed, just as I did, with more love and pride in my heart than I thought I was capable of feeling. I like to believe that if you're still somewhere in this universe, you know what your son has done. What he means to people.

A few months ago, your son came to me, with tears in his eyes, and asked for my permission to love my son. That was actually what he said. That he didn't deserve it, but could I ever forgive him for loving my son. I think he was trying to apologise for corrupting him, maybe. Or maybe he was saying what he would've said to you, had you been there. I don't know, I really don't. But I hugged him as tightly as I could, and I held his hand, and I told him that I couldn't think of anyone better to love my son, or for my son to love. A few years ago, I couldn't imagine Theo ever being so vulnerable or so brave. I loved him dearly, like my own son, but I feared he would collapse in on himself under the pressure. I tried to help, but he didn't always make it easy. I'm sure you can understand that.

I told your son that he's already a part of my family, and that even if Liam said no, he always would be.

He's come so far, Care. When we lost you, I watched him fall into himself, shut his family out. I was terrified he'd never come back from it. But he did. He came back from it and my god, he's so strong. He put absolutely everything on the line, and it made all the difference. Your son, that little boy with shaggy hair and bright green eyes, who looked so like you always, was the truest, bravest version of himself.

I listened as he told Liam that they were better than soulmates, because they weren't destined to love each other, they decided to. I watched his heart break as my son turned him down. I watched as he put all that pain and hurt behind him, and stood by my son's side anyway. I watched him stand through the entire ceremony, never flinching, never crying, because he is a superhero.