Artificial Love (Thiam)

Chapter 17

A shard of light wounded him right as he awoke, and Theo nearly jumped out of the way, but was stopped by his seriously stiff right arm, and the lump that weighed it down.

Tired, green eyes squinted against the morning sun, and he managed to make out the impression of Liam, curled around him as though he were a body pillow. So that wasn't a dream, he told himself, sleepy, confused and a little worried. Liam, his Liam, who would never actually be his Liam, was asleep against him.

His hair stuck up in all directions, and he was letting out a little whistle through his nose as he breathed. He looked totally peaceful, all long eyelashes and loose limbs. It was like living in another world. A world where Liam and he had something. A world where he was allowed to wake up with Liam. Where Liam wanted to wake up with him.

Inevitably though, he knew this would have to end. Liam would have to wake up, and whatever reaction he had, Theo would have to deal with. He let himself imagine, for just a moment, a world where Liam woke up happy to see him. Where he tightened his arms around Theo and pulled him in closer. Where they'd share a morning kiss because they were happy to see each other, and because nothing looked different in the sobering light of day.

He reminded himself that it was more likely Liam would jump up horrified. That he would suggest that Theo and he kept it a secret and that it didn't happen again. It was more likely that he would be horrified if he knew that Theo had been in love with him for years. It was more likely that Liam wouldn't want him, and that Theo would have no recourse except to live with that.

He had thought, really thought, it would be easier to move on. Now that he'd had this time with Liam. Now that he knew what it was like to really kiss him. To really hold him. He thought it would be over. That that would be it. The reality was that it was too big. Everything he'd ever hoped for hadn't come close to the actual reality. The slightly awkward, tipsy, teeth-clanging reality. And no amount of time would ever make him stop longing for it. If anything, that desire had only increased.

It was supposed to get easier, but it hadn't.

No part of him thought that it was just physical, or that it was too much work. No matter how hard he tried, he just wanted to stay here like this. He just wanted to stay here with Liam, no matter what that meant.

He realised he was indulging himself. That once he was up and dressed and this played out, he would have to stop romanticising this moment so much. That he couldn't lay around being emotional about what might have been in another life. But that was then, and he figured while Liam was asleep, he could still pretend. Pretend that this wasn't a bad thing. Pretend Liam wouldn't be horrified.

Knowing he should probably wake Liam, Theo closed his eyes, ignored the aching of having someone laying on him all night, and tried to savour whatever was left of this moment. Of Liam and him, curled up together, before the inevitable happened.

It wasn't that much longer before Liam did stir, and at first, while still asleep, he cuddled in closer to Theo. Eyes still closed, and Theo figured still asleep, he pressed a kiss against Theo's chest that sent shivers down his spine. He tried to memorise it.

But then with a yawn that Theo felt stupid for considering adorable, his eyes began to blink open. Theo shut his own, as if he was afraid to see Liam's reaction to waking up like this. Although, the downside of his eyes being closed is that he had no idea how Liam responded.

It took a few moments for Liam to move, slowly and carefully unwrapping himself from Theo and getting to his feet to get dressed. He had no idea whether to get up or not. No idea whether to expose himself for being awake or attempt to talk to Liam at all.

He swallowed hard, and let his eyes open slowly. "Morning." He said slowly, trying not to sound as terrified as he felt.

Liam jumped, halfway through putting his pants on. "Fuck, you scared the hell out of me." He said with a quick laugh, shaking his head. He looked uncomfortable, and Theo understood, because he sure as hell felt uncomfortable.