All is left is to ring the bell (fruk)

My confession

I could hear them.

In my dreams, when I was awake, when it was quiet and when I thought I was alone—the screams of terror, joy, and confusion from all points of my memory. I could lie under my covers to focus on what was going on, but I felt it was dangerous. Too dangerous to dig into the dark depths of my memories.

Murder

War

Sadness

They flooded my memories. They were not leaving enough room for the most treasured aspect—love.

My love.

There was no room for it because I had been hurt many times. Before I could make room, I needed to dissect every terrible aspect that would make me feel ill.

But... I still hoped it could be better when I opened my eyes.

Maybe?

Even if it were a little bit.

My nights were terrible, on and off sleeping, ending with me waking to my alarm clock, snapping me out of my nightmares.

However, I woke up!

I slapped my alarm clock off and fell out of bed. Throwing myself off the mattress was the only way to drag myself out of bed.

My morning routine was always the same! I'd drag my stupid comb across my head. However, it didn't do much to help my hair situation. Today was a special day!

In this great year of 2004, the world meeting will be held at my home. After the meeting, I commemorated the one-hundredth anniversary of the Entente Cordiale and ensured I attended my weekly therapy sessions. I've been with the same person for the past few years.

It wasn't my choice...

My Dear Elizabeth had to celebrate this long-lasting treaty, and she urged me to ensure I was fully aware, mentally. I tended to daze out of it multiple times a day.

I made my way downstairs as usual, making my morning tea.

I wanted to think that I could ignore all the ugly aspects of my life, but I knew there were a few things I needed to face, but I wasn't ready.

I sipped my tea, looking at the clock above my wall. Seeing the time nearly made me have a heart attack.

"Fuck me!"

As usual, my days start quickly.

I nearly dropped the tea over myself, seeing I would be late for my appointment if I didn't go now. I quickly stood up, leaving my cup on the table. I rushed toward the door, putting on my shoes and coat. I would be late if I didn't catch the morning bus. I refuse to buy a car; I will take public transit first or walk before ever getting a car.

Then I would manage to make the bus in seconds flat.

Then I would take the bus routes.

It was like this.

Almost every single day...

Since the 1990s...

My routine changed after that terrible night, and I never changed it again once I was comfortable. Now...it is years later.

...

"ARTHUR KIRKLAND! You never miss an appointment! That's good to know!"  The receptionist was blind, so she could never tell that I had never aged. However, my therapist was starting to get a bit suspicious.

"Is Dr Ben Lyin here?"

"Yes, you can go right in!"

"Thank you!"

Must you be wondering... Ben Lyin? What could this guy be lying about? Well, I have no idea.

"Mr. Kirkland! I knew you'd be here about now!"

Everyday...

Every week...

The.

Same.

Bloody.

Routine.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't getting tired of it.

My therapist was a random human I chose to deal with my problems. Problems I simplified to a human capacity.  I knew I had to change to a new therapist every few years, but it would be hard to switch from him.

I took a seat on the long sofa he had and faced him. All he knew about my real life was that I grew up in an abusive family and was forced by my family to hurt siblings and other people I cared for. I mentioned Francis slightly. How we were friends at a young age, how we would always fight, but left out many of the details. Even if I could tell him, most details didn't matter. He knew I had two kids but wouldn't say who the "mother" was.

It was a long, confusing thing I had to make up to come to him. My crown offered me one, but I didn't trust them to keep my secrets. Besides, I'd rather talk to someone else for once.

"So, are you ready to talk about something new today? Or did you want to focus on your family?" He spoke. The plan was to end seeing him very soon. I had no other choice. "Actually, I've been thinking of something in particular," I started. I had a dream about Him...and wanted to talk about it.

"Okay, well, you can start when you are ready."

"Thank you...I think I want to get this off my chest for this session. No need to dissect any of this..."

"Okay..."

Dear, did he have to scribble on his notepad every single time?

"Cheers, well. I had a dream last night of my old friend, Francis. I'm not sure if you recall, but he was the one I grew up with and fought with very often.."

"I do..."

I grabbed the tips of my trousers nervously. It made me anxious to talk about him. I didn't get angry after the night I saw him and my brother. I didn't show him any anger. I was in shock for a moment, but once that went away, I only felt acceptance. I didn't talk to him much after that. No one knows what I saw to this day, and I'm unsure if anything has progressed between him and my brother.

"Well, I'm going to see him today, and I'm worried. The last time I saw him, he did something that hurt my feelings. And I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him. Although he doesn't know I know, I'm unsure what to do. I don't feel angry and wouldn't mistreat him, but I'm nervous to talk to him."

"Well...you don't need to forgive him. However, it seems you have accepted what has happened. You don't need to confront him, but for things to improve, you must share some light on the situation. He could not know he hurt your feelings and could be very confused," he spoke. I nodded in agreement, taking a large breath out.

"So, what can I do not to feel nervous?"

"Well, my best advice...confrontation. It seems to bother you, so I think being honest with yourself is the only thing to do," he spoke. I nodded at him slowly, looking out the window. That was easier said than done. I couldn't even talk to him normally without getting weird flashbacks. I'm not sure I've fully processed everything in my life, and it's starting to catch up with me.