big time crush ✭ btr

TEN

ONE LAST GOODBYE
actually, see you later

"Hey," he says, and all she can hear is the grief in his tone. May figured it was coming, and though it isn't how it's supposed to be, this is how it is. "Can we talk?" He asks.

When May nods, he perched himself at the end of her couch, the afternoon light intruding on their conversation.

Though May knew what was next, in this space right here that they've made, James knew he could say anything. He could say anything and she would not abandon him. He could tell her the worst things, and she would hold them to the light and not so much as flinch.

"I'm leaving, you know?" He makes the statement more forcefully than a question requires. "For six weeks. For tour."

"I know," she whispers back, like if her voice were too loud it would reveal all of her ugly emotions. "I feel like you just came back and you're leaving again."

It is a time she must be brave. Because to be close to someone is to firstly confess that you can be devastated by them. "I- I just," he stumbles over his words like they are running through his mind faster than he can grasp them. When he takes a breath, he says, "I meant what I said. The last time I left."

"What?"

"I've found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am," he starts, and his hands shake when he speaks. May had rarely seen James in such a light— so vulnerable. "I had always been distant and unavailable, not for any other reason then out of fear. Fear kept me from a lot of things, but the worst was that it kept me from love and opening myself to another person. It kept me from you."

And May could only sit there, folded hands in her lap, silent. Sometimes she just had to stay silent because no words can explain what's going on in her heart and mind.

"And I never understood," he continued. "Until I met you."

"James—"

"It was your laugh, and the way your smile forms. And it was your eyes, the way they always brighten when you are drawing in your book and think no one is looking. And it is your jokes and how you scrunch your nose in concentration— and I realized that it was every little thing about you May... it was everything that I fell so hard for."

Her stomach lurches at his words, and they ricochet around her brain for a moment as she tries to pick them apart line by line.

"I can't just sit here anymore and pretend that you don't mean everything to me. That it doesn't scare me. And maybe I'll have the words one day and they will be so much more simple, but I knew that if I leave and didn't say all of this I might never forgive myself," he exasperated.

It was hard for her to breathe, and May twists the ring around her finger like a routine— almost like blinking. "James," she lets out, but it is uneven and shakey. "Why are you doing this? You're leaving again, you'll be gone for a month and a half. Why do you do this before you leave every time?"

She was almost pleading, like she couldn't grasp the fact that he would do this to her again— spill his heart and leave her there to ruminate with the silly confession.

"I'll be back," he says. "I'll be back May, I will. And maybe we can make this work, make us work. I don't want to let this go— I can't let this go. I have never felt this way for anyone before, please."

"What do you want me to say?" She lets out a breath. "James, you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. And I have tried to hard to ignore these feeling I have whenever you are around, and it's clear it's not going away anytime soon, but this isn't fair. It's not fair for you to do this."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, just one chance. All I need is one chance and I will prove to you that this has all been worth it. That this will be worth it."

She let out a low hum, desperate for some answer to fall from the sky into her lap, but the only thing she could bring her mind around to, over and over, was how badly she wanted to kiss him. "You're such a dweeb," she laughs out, tears now filling the brims of her eyes. "And if you break my heart I have five older brothers who played football."

"I won't," he promises. "I won't."

Silence falls upon them once again, the stupid smiles plastered on their faces like these past months were destined to lead to this very moment. "Are you just going to keep staring at me, or are you going to kiss me?" She asks, and James widens his eyes like he hadn't heard her right.

Only he did, and May and James lean closer together, finally killing the pesky space between them. And the kiss, like the fusing of skin, felt like the most natural thing in the world— like it was meant to happen.

It wasn't practiced or perfect, but it was them.

After all, distance doesn't separate people, silence does.