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20. I wanted to Leave

CW: Domestic Violence

This chapter is probably the heaviest so far. If you do not feel comfortable don't read it. If you feel like talking or have feedback my DM's are always open<3

When commenting please remember there's a real person with real feelings writing this so be kind.

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Elle

It's not even 11 in the morning and my brother has already called me. Usually, I'd brush it off and blame it on him being a very protective person, but after seeing the secretive looks Harry and Finneas had exchanged last night I knew something was going on. I was indeed a little too drunk, which means the hungover has been greeting me this morning, but one thing I am not is stupid. I know when other things are going on and considering how strange the two of them were acting yesterday, there was definitely something more to it and not just my drunk impulsive thoughts, telling me that something was off.  

I didn't know exactly what Harry had told Finneas after I left, but I could very well guess it. You didn't have to be a genius to figure this one out, knowing that I had another breakdown because of Ben yesterday.

This only meant that I had to get this over with as soon as possible. Finneas knows, which meant he wouldn't let this carry on any longer. And I promised myself to not let him treat me like this any longer, as well. I didn't want to be his little puppet anymore. I've already let this go on for long enough. Harry said it himself, he's manipulated me into thinking that this is okay. That hurting me is just a sign that he cares about me and loves me. But I know it doesn't have to be like this. It shouldn't be like this.

I shouldn't have to sit here on the carpet of the house, I could no longer call my home, crying my eyes out because it's all just hitting me now. The person I spent the last 1,5 years with was an abusive manipulating liar. It's not love anymore just heavy manipulation. And maybe it had never even been love. I sigh, squinting my eyes even harder as I am trying to escape the thoughts that flow out of my subconsciousness.

It feels like I was in the ocean again, ducking beneath the surface in an attempt to escape all my problems. Only now it wasn't water surrounding me and flowing into my lungs, taking away the last breaths I seem to have in store, but a million tears that come to the surface as I realise that I couldn't escape my problems any longer. 

I am drowning in my own tears, like in the depths of the ocean. But the truly sad part is he won't come to my rescue. He's the one who put me in it.

But realising all of this wasn't even the worst thing. So many people saw it coming. My friends wanted me to break up with him for a reason. They saw the signs and took them for what they were: Reasons to leave. And all I ever wanted Ben to do is to prove them all wrong. To show them that he wasn't like this. That he's a decent person. But he couldn't do it. Not even for me.

But I think what hurt me the most, is that I saw it coming too. I just thought that he was different.

And that's the thing that truly messes you up. It's the kind of thing that makes you lose sleep at night. Because you know you should have left a long time ago. You saw the signs but you ignored them, holding onto that tiny little shimmer of hope, thinking that maybe the situation isn't all that bad. But it is and it completely screws you over, knowing how fucking stupid you had to be to even land in that kind of situation. I mean who would want to stay with their abusive partner? Who would put up with behaviour like that and furthermore accept it? I just feel so stupid, wondering how I could let this go on for so long if I had known it all along.