Spend Some Time (Eminem Fanfic)

79. Forever

Marshall's P.O.V.

Behind the scenes of MTV VMAs, I pace back and forth in my dressing room.

I've got a hood of my sweatshirt pulled over my head over a baseball cap that's pulled low over my eyes, concealing half of my face.

From what can be seen of my face though, I can bet that my jaw must be set and while my expression remains emotionless, from my body language alone, you can tell that I'm all nerves.

Melody and I have talked about this the night before, and my girl has done her best to try to reassure me, but the truth is, I feel some type of way about going to perform live on stage for the first time in almost four years. Now I'm about to do that song with Drake, Lil Wayne and Kanye West. And as I normally do when doing features on other people's stuff, I'm gonna be going last. Which in return puts even more pressure on me, I feel like. I ain't got no choice but to finish strong now.

Yesterday, I've confessed to Mel that going up onstage makes me nervous. It always has actually. But in the past, I would get real high and loaded before, hype myself up, to the point where it didn't bother me anymore to perform in front of large crowds of people.

But being that I'm sober now, the prospect of just going up there just like that fucking terrifies me. A part of this is worrying that I would mess up. That I won't be able to put on a show like I used to do back in the day. That everybody would hate me.

Mel told me that she honestly couldn't believe her ears when I was telling her that, because whenever I was ever onstage, it always seemed to her that I was damn near untouchable there. Hell, part of me used to think that back in the day too. But granted, I was always high and drunk back then, looking at it through the gaze of constantly being under the influence. That I secretly second guessed myself the whole time has never even occurred to her.

"Marshall," she now says, jumping off the counter she was just sitting on and walking up to me. "Baby boy, you need to stop this, cause you are making me nervous right now, with the way you..."

"I don't think I'm cut out for this shit anymore, Mel," I say to her then, and she grabs my face between her hands to force me to look at her. I still avoid her eyes though, even as she pulls my head down to her level. "I shoulda never agreed to this shit. I shoulda just did the damn song, but never agreed to perform it. I don't think I can do that whole concert shit anymore. These days are over for me. I need to just record, drop and that's it."

I can't believe the word vomit that is currently coming out of my mouth, can't believe that I sound so damn pathetic, but I can't fucking stop myself from talking.

"Marshall," Mel says, but it's like I can't even hear her. I'm in a fucking zone right now.

"Matter of fact, I'm about to fucking cancel this whole promotion tour I'm supposed to do for Relapse when it finally drops. I ain't going to no tour to promote shit. If motherfuckers buy the album, then they buy it. If they don't they don't. I'm not about to put myself..." I continue to go off.

"Marshall, shut the fuck up!" Melody then exclaims, and she sounds so angry that it causes me to blink a couple of times, and she takes full advantage of me being momentarily stumped by how she just snapped at me just now. "Honestly, I get where you are coming from, I get that you are nervous, but at the end of the day, this whole self-loathing, self-doubting shtick, it just doesn't suit you at all. You are literally the most talented man I've ever known, and you not believing in your own self like this, we can't have that. So you really need to stop that shit and snap out of it!!" She then says and pushes me into the nearest wall.

I can feel my eyes widen, cause I ain't expect her to get all aggressive with me out of the blue sky, and that's exactly how she managed to catch me off guard like that.

"Fuck are you..." I starts to say.

"Marshall, shut up! Like you always say to me, for once in your life, shut the fuck up!" She cuts me off, and I quiet down.

She pushes my hood from off of my head and snatches my hat off as well, throwing it to the ground, and she runs her hands through my hair.

My jaw clenches involuntary, but I get quiet and stare at her intently as she breaks into a little monolog.

"Marshall, you are gonna go out there and kill it. Frankly, I don't understand why would you even doubt yourself in the first place. Don't you know who you are? I mean, Drake is cool and all, he's alright in my book, but a whole lot of people only listened to Forever just because you were featured on it. And a whole lot of them are here right now, just to hear..."

"Yeah, thanks babe, that's definitely no pressure. No pressure at all," I say sarcastically, and she gives him the look of death, causing me to get quiet again.

"Now, like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," Melody continues, "A whole lot of people are here tonight, just to see you perform, Marshall. And I honestly don't think there's a way for you to fuck up with them up on that stage. They are here because they fucking love you, and they fucking believe on you no matter what. So, even if you were to mess up, which I know you won't, they wouldn't even notice that, to be honest. They would just be happy to see you back at all. Just because they've missed you so much. Just like I've missed you," she adds.

"What if I do mess up though?" I ask. "I feel like the only reason all these people liked me before is cause I was always high out of my mind back in the day, you know what I mean? Now that I ain't, it's actually me, my real self that they are gonna see, and what if they don't like that? What if they think I'm whack now or something? What if they think I'm washed-up?"

"Well then, fuck them, Marshall!! Honestly, fuck ever single one of your fans that only liked you and only thought you were fun while you were high all the time. Who even cares what they think? As far as I'm concerned, you are always you, and you have bever changed. You just... grew up and matured, and whoever expects you to be the same exact person as years ago, fuck them. They never deserved you anyway. And no, you do not need drugs to function on stage. Drugs may have amplified who you were, baby boy, but they were never WHO you were. So just go on out there and do your thing."

"Mel, I don't know what to even..."

"Then don't say anything! Just go out there and do your thing," she simply says, and just then, we wear one of the stage hands knock on the door.

"Um... Mr. Mathers... Eminem, you are due to go on up now!"

"Yo Slim, where you at, man?" Denaun's voice can be heard right after that.

"Yo, I'm coming!! Just give me a second with my lady," I announce, never taking my eyes off my girl.

"Dawg, we ain't got a second. Drake and them are already at their cues. It's a live show, ya know!" Denaun announces even more persistent now.

"I still don't know if I..." I whisper yell at Melody, and she then just shuts me up by kissing me real hard.

It lasts only a few seconds, because just then, literally everyday bursts into the dressing room, and they rip me from her and drag me towards the area where I'm supposed to enter onstage.

I have no time to even think about shit then, cause just then there's a mic in my hand, and the beat starts playing, and then it all just sort of comes back to me.

I hear some people in the crowd scream my name, but I kind of tune them out for a few seconds, and focus only on the beat.

And then it hits me, the sort of natural high that comes from performing.