𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐞 | ✔

ғɪғᴛʏ ɴɪɴᴇ

"I am, aren't I?" he says with full confidence.

"How did you know?"

He shrugs. "I could hear and see everything with my own eyes, Devi. I don't let my emotions get in the way of facing or finding the truth like everyone else did. How did he find out?"

My voice turns to stone. "I told him."

I feel Kai studying me. "Good."

"Kai," I say his name slowly.

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you tell him my truth?"

"He seemed happy for the first time in a fucking while. I know we're all psychos in the mafia but not even a psycho would have found it in them to ruin the way his whole body lit up when you were in the room." he shrugs. "It had to come from you, devi."

I purse my lips, the guilt in me still festering. Just because he hurt me back badly doesn't mean I can't still feel guilty for my actions. But it also doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be hurt by how he dealt with it.

I look at Kai with a faint smile. "Alright, thanks kai."

"No problem," he salutes as he turns around to leave. Then he stops. "How did he find out?"

My smile falters, feeling my body collapse into itself as I wrap my arms around my stomach nervously. He's still looking at me waiting for an answer as uneasiness flickers through me for a second. 

"I-I need to go, Kai," I stutter as I push my door open leaving him in confusion.

Resting my back against the door, I calm my sporadic breathing, ready for the longest hottest shower of my life.

...

The night allows me to open up my vulnerabilities.

The guest bedrooms are conjoined, meaning I don't have my own bathroom. So when Pasha came in for a quick wash up I sure as hell scared the living shit out of him. In all honesty, he wouldn't have been all so shaken up if I didn't scream at the top of my lungs.

But, it's two in the morning now and I've been avoiding sleep rather successfully. Everyone and their mother will know what's going to happen if I actually manage to fall asleep.

I stare at myself in the mirror with a sigh as I press ice packs on my shoulder to reduce the swelling and pain. A shiver wracks through me, making my entire body tremble.

Tired eyes, yet full of life. As if someone blew life into me, but didn't know when to stop.

Sitting comfortably in a jumper and joggers, I give up on the ice packs because it's making me feel like I'm sitting right in front of an open freezer. I get out the jar of coconut oil I specifically requested and go to take off my jumper.

The door handle turns, making me almost jump out of my skin. Jumping to my feet, I stop breathing and freeze, my limbs paralysing. I don't like bathrooms. I have bad memories of bathrooms.

Grisha enters and I feel my body thaw slightly. He startles when he sees me.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I snap.

"Shit, sorry, I thought– the bathroom was dead silent so I thought it was empty." He's nervous, making my shoulders also tense up. "May I brush my teeth?"

May. So posh. Why does that make me want to smile?

"Sure," someone says. It's me.

He stands next to me in front of the sink. I plop down on my chair in the awkward heavy silence between us. My heart physically hurts having him so close. Nevertheless, I open the jar of coconut oil and slowly attempt to rub some onto my back without taking my jumper off.