Spend Some Time (Eminem Fanfic)

68. Selfish

Partly because I knew that he needed comforting, but partly also because... I'm still weak for him in a way, and deep down inside, I wanted it too.

So for the next six months, I kept it up with him.

We both acted like we were back together, only I knew that it couldn't last, and once that realization really hit me on the night I came home one day and found Marshall completely zoned out on drugs watching some old footage of him and Proof on tour in his studio in the basement, while Lyric was playing upstairs, I knew I had to leave, for Lyric's sake.

So I finally moved back to New York, just like I was supposed to before Proof died.

Marshall was angry with me.

And right now, sitting on this plane, not knowing if he would live or die from his overdose, I honestly don't know if maybe he had every right to be.

Maybe it was selfish of me to leave him when he was literally at his lowest.

Maybe I am a bitch.

I don't fucking know y'all.

All I do know, is that I don't want him to die. I don't think I'll forgive myself if he does.

I've thought about leaving Lyric with my mother back in New York. Because she honestly does not need to see her daddy like this. But then Isecond-guessing that. Because what if Marshall does die, then I would've robbed Lyric of an opportunity to even say goodbye to him.

So I am bringing her with me, but I don't know if I'll actually let her see Marshall at the hospital.

Tessa is catching the next available flight after me and she's going to watch Lyric for me at the hotel I'll be staying at in Detroit.

God, can this plane fly even slower?!

And the messed-up truth of it all is that I've never stopped loving Marshall, even through all the bullshit he put me through, but I just felt like I finally needed to let go of that and choose my daughter and myself, but maybe I have made that decision at the worst possible time?!

When I finally do get there, I hear that Marshall is in a coma. The doctors have no idea if he would wake up or not.

The whole D12 are there when I barge into the hospital, and we all hug each other and sit with Marshall in his room.

At some point, the guys all go to a cafeteria, and I'm left alone with him.

I sit down next to him.

I think about what Tessa has said to me earlier today that maybe he can actually hear me right now, who knows.

I take one of his hands in mine, and I want to tell him something sweet, and loving, and encouraging. I want to tell him I still love him and beg him to just wake up.

But then suddenly I feel very angry.

I have no idea where the anger comes from, but it practically blinds me.

I squeeze his hand, to the point where my nails dig into his skin, and I hope to God that he DOES feel that and that it hurts.

I lean in close to him and speak in his ear.

"Listen to me, you selfish fucking prick," I say in a harsh whisper. "I am so sick and tired of your shit, do you know that, Marshall?! Look what you did now! I've been telling you and telling you to leave that pill popping shit alone, but did you listen? Nooooooo!! Because Marshall always has to do what he wants only, no matter the circumstances and no matter how much it affects and hurts other people! Do you know that one of your fucking daughers actually found your ass laying unresponsive on the bathroom floor, and it probably traumatized her for life?! Then, the rest of your little girls had to watch you being wheeled away in an ambulance car hooked up to all kinds of equipment? Do you know that I now gotta look Lyric right in the eyes and lie to her about how you are gonna fly out to New York to see her soon, when I actually have no idea if you ever would be?! Do you know that the day they've brought you to this hospital, Hailie asked Kim if you're gonna die, and Kim had to keep a straight face and tell her that you are not gonna die, even though she's got no fucking clue if that's true or not?! And do you have any idea how many people actually love you and need you?! Like your daughters, your friends from D12, Paul, Kim, me?! Do you even fucking care?! Did you ever care?! No, I bet you you haven't, because you are a selfish motherfucker, Marshall, and you have always, ALWAYS put your own needs before others!! And now you what, just gonna lay here comfortably while the rest of the world loses their shit over you?! Are you gonna take the easy way out instead of opening your eyes, taking responsibility for your actions and making up for what you did?! NO!! You don't get to do that at all. So don't you fucking die on me. Don't you dare fucking do that, Marshall!! Do you think Proof would approve you doing that?! Now open your fucking eyes!!" At that, I actually slap him across the face, and he doesn't move, and I feel all fight go out of me.