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39

Kirti had finally calmed down being in his embrace gave her a sense of comfort and liberation, she woke up and sat across his lap her head tucked neatly under his chin she began fiddling with his fingers unsure how to start the conversation she was a nervous wreck, what will he think of her? he deserved answers and she was not going to deny him that.

"kitty?"

"hmm?"

" talk to me please" hearing his voice soft made her understand that he was not upset with her but just confused, the setting was so calming but her mind was anything but calm a raging storm of emotions were swirling creating a tornado  taking in a deep breath she decided it was time

" love myself , so easily said but it was so hard to do , after constantly being cheated on , betrayed and left i found it hard to get rid of my insecurities , so i created this fake persona you could call it that ,something that could hide the true me the weak me , the hurt me , i lost friends family you name it and i could not help but constantly blame myself , kept on feeling that something  was wrong with me  cause i always seem to be the one getting hurt , i felt selfish to voice out my thoughts , i wanted everyone to constantly believe that i was okay , that i was not fighting an internal battle day in and day out with myself and yet every night this mask of mine fell off  breaking onto the floor , and my true self stood in front of me belittling me telling me constantly that i was just a burden , that i don't deserve happiness and even if i spoke to anyone they would tell me not to feel that way , that i have everything and i should be grateful for it and that whatever happened made me strong that it made me wiser , but at what cost? my trust? my heart? my soul? the little girl in me? my innocence? I lost all that so no it did not make me stronger it made me hate myself and made me despise the kind-natured girl I was cause they made me believe that I was some cheap slut. After all, they made me feel like I should have not even been born, I wanted to heal, I am trying to heal but somedays get harder than the rest, I help everyone around me but no one can see my cry for help, and yet I don't blame them cause they won't know I don't want them to know, I don't want to see them look at me with  pity, every day I feel like I make up these emotions just to feel sorry for myself I feel useless I hear these negative thoughts that won't seem to go away, and a part of me believes that if I let go of these thoughts what do i even feel then? what I am without these thoughts? how do i cope without them , i have gotten so used to belittling myself , i have gotten so used to everyone belittling me that i don't know how to see myself in a positive light anymore , my only comfort was bts still is but sometimes it gets so bad that i wanna slip again , i wanna hurt myself again cause i feel like that's all i deserve , i feel like i am constantly hurting people around me even if i don't mean it , five years i spent in an abusive relationship , and i can't help but think that i deserved it , i did not fit in and i feel like i still don't i used to feel like i had to keep people happy just to fit in , and now when i don't just agree to it i become the bad person , i am so confused , i am hurting and i am frustrated cause all my emotions are bottled up and normally i was the girl that used to open up so easily but now i don't cause i had it thrown at my face so many times , someone once asked me 'what's wrong with your life , you should be happy' , i lost myself kiraan , i lost the me that had this glow about her i lost so much of myself so how can you judge someone just by looking outward , everyday someone is fighting a battle that they don't talk about and sometimes they lose to it , do you know why? cause society is selfish they are so set in their ways that they are killing us slowly, it came to a point where I become so exhausted that I just want to hide away from the world, that I don't want to wake up that I even pray for death cause I feel like I can't do this anymore, every time I want to open up I feel guilty cause I know everyone as their problems, no one is going to understand me anyway, they just see me as Kirti that's it but they don't look beyond that I healed so many parts of me but all it takes is a couple of words and I am crumbling, I am lost so lost that sometimes I don't even know how to pray, I feel like a failure, I see myself as someone with no special gifts I just feel like a shadow, and sometimes I feel like I don't fit into this family, I don't want to be strong anymore kiraan, for once I want to be weak and still be enough for once just this once I wanna be enough"

kiraan felt his heartbreak, he knew that Kirti hid a lot but this was not what he had expected at all, the mention of abuse triggered him but he knew that he had to be calm for her sake, so many thoughts were running through his mind how many nights had she cried herself to sleep without anyone knowing, how many times did she try to harm herself?

"I cut a month ago, but I felt so guilty cause felt like I let down BTS that I cried, even more, Tyra became a part of me that I learned to love after an incident that took place and then I found out about the identity of my family, hades took me home for a month to train me and I became like a daughter to him, I knew I had a mate but only tyra knew what you looked like"

kiraan picked her up making her straddle him again and place a kiss on her forehead

" from now on you don't keep anything away from me? I have no idea what to say, I will not look at you with pity cause I know that's exactly what you don't want. you opened up to me and I am grateful for that, you are mate it's my job to take care of you but I won't just do it cause of the mate bond but cause I want to cause you  mean that much to me, you showed me your most vulnerable side which I know you hate doing, I know it's hard to stop those thoughts but you have to try, they don't mean shit baby, and I will keep reminding you that every single day okay?" Kirti nodded she knew it was going to be hard but she had to try she healed so much of herself but managed to relapse these past few weeks

" it's late and you are exhausted so you should get some sleep"

making his way to the bed with her clinging to him like a baby koala he place her down gently kissing her forehead again " get some sleep princess"

Kirti mumbled a goodnight already succumbing to her exhaustion.

closing her room door kiraan decided to make a quick call

"meet me at the pack house tomorrow"

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well this was a long chapter please vote and comment