Toxic and Mine

Casino

9/15
I made a mistake.I never knew how sensitive Silva was until a couple days ago.

I've been around him a lot recently, going out to eat, sleeping in his bed, just talking to him. I've yet to have sex with him though. Another thing I've been refusing is him getting the opportunity to spoil me. I love fashion and designer shit but I don't want him to be the person buying me it because it makes me feel guilty.

One day while we were just laying in his bed, I put on my all time favorite movie in the world, "Casino" I can't explain enough how much I loved Robert De Niro's character, he was so fine to me. I wanted someone like him in my life. I always saw myself marrying an way older guy who would treat me like an princess giving me anything my heart desired. But I also saw myself being deeply in love with the lucky old man I would give myself to.

I hate Ginger, Sharon Stone's character. She took him for granted, he gave her everything and anything and she still betrayed him. Even tried to get him killed but he still forgave her bullshit. I wanted that for myself. Even though they were a toxic couple I wanted that but I wanted to be in love.

I feel guilty because Silva is like Sam's character but I just don't love him. I like him very deeply but I worry that I won't ever get that feeling I did watching De Niro on my tv screen. He tells me he would do anything for me, would kill for me which I know he probably would love if the opportunity came. I'm just stubborn, if I give myself to him he wins. I can't let that happen. It's hard for me to let my guard down because he's brutal, I knew what kind of person Sam was but I don't know what Silva's intentions are.

He's young, what if he gets tired after he finds the new best thing. Say I fall in love with him just for him to abandon me. Love kills people and it turns people into killers. I don't want him to be the person that does that to me. Because then I'll think to myself everyday that I shouldn't have let him win.

Explaining this to him was crazier than I expected. He took it as me not having any feelings for him and that I don't care how much he tries to get me to trust him. He turned his room upside down screaming at me. Breaking his tv, throwing glass everywhere. I was scared to speak even when he started calling me out my name, or when he pulled me by my hair.

After Hurricane Silva left I just cried but it made how I felt more valid. I don't want to love a monster like him. I had to call Renzo to come get me because there was shit everywhere, I was going to hurt myself. He came and picked me up and I just cried more in his chest. What I do feel bad about though, Is that he stayed there with me the whole time. Consoling me, being a shoulder to cry on. Should I feel bad about that? It just feels like an intimacy I shouldn't be having with my friend's boyfriend.

On the bright side, it was Silva's first time seeing Casino and he said that he liked it even though it was a little stereotypical for Italians.

I haven't talked to him since. I've tried calling and texting him but he ignored them. It's different when I ignore him so it is making me mad. But I've decided to get my mind off him hanging out with the girls. The house has been divided and I do feel bad a little because Lydia has been trying to have fun with all of us.

I guess there's a fancy party her dad is having and she wants us all to come. I am excited because i haven't been out for a while. I have this fancy red dress I've been dying to wear and it's perfect for the occasion.

Getting out the shower I put on my matching black lace lingerie set before rubbing lotion all over my body. I hear my door open pausing until Manon comes into room.

"Hey." I tell her.

"What is wrong with you?" She asks me and I look at her confused.

"What are you talking about?"