Toxic and Mine

Hate CD

10/21

Time has been passing so quickly, and it's been two weeks since I've been at the casino. I wish I could say things are good, but I've been sick. It started about a couple days ago. My anxiety got so bad that I couldn't even brush my teeth without shaking. And then, about two days after that, I caught a really bad fever of 103 degrees. Not only was I burning up on the inside, the room had been at 52 degrees, and still nothing had changed. Out of desperation, I laid in the freezer once with no better results. Their doctor told me that it was just a normal fever, but there's nothing normal about how I am feeling.

I struggle to get out of bed because I feel extremely weak, and to exacerbate the situation, Silva has been absent throughout this entire period, making things even more challenging.

I have no one to talk to, and these thoughts have been creeping up in my head. Never have I thought of suicide, but lately I've been doubting everything about myself. I feel so alone; maybe Silva has found someone else, but I still don't understand why all of a sudden I'm having depressing thoughts. Laying in bed alone with nothing but my underwear on doesn't help. My hair is all damp from how much I've been sweating, and I can't even look at the ceiling without my vision moving around.

Did I eat something bad? Did someone poison me, or is this karma for whatever reason? All I know is that I don't want to live like this anymore.

I find myself crying, curled up in a ball. My body has been compulsively shaking throughout the day, making it hard for me to do just about anything. Suddenly I feel something rising in my throat, and so I quickly haunch over throwing up whatever I managed to eat a few days ago.

I've been nauseous and throwing up a lot lately as well.

I groan out, taking time to raise myself up, and I'm immediately out of breath, with the sound of my hyperventilation being the only thing present. I placed my foot on the ground, having to rub my feet against the floor to finally register where I was standing.

This is getting out of hand. No one has checked up on me, not even Lydia. My presence is very noticeable when not around, so maybe this is them all slowly trying to kill me.

"Maam?" I look up to see one of the servants standing in front of me with towels in his hands. I managed to make it out of the room and into the hallway, with me leaning against the wall for support.

"Take me to the nurse, please." I say barely audible. I felt so weak that it was hard for me to talk, but the kind man dropped the fabric in his hands and guided me to the doctor.

"This isn't normal; no normal fever would make me feel this way!" I say this before coughing. I was all jittery and anxious, and the man looked at me with a look hard to decipher.

"You're right. You're not looking too good." He tells me:

"I mean, tell me what's wrong. At first, I thought it could be pregnancy, but I've never heard of anyone becoming this sick. It almost feels like I'm going through withdrawal when I don't even do drugs." The man looks at me with uncertainty, and instantly alarms go off in my head. But before I could register anything, everything went black.

When I wake up, I instantly pop up, looking at my surroundings. I thought I was dreaming because of how different I was feeling compared to when I first blacked out. I looked around to see that I was no longer in the doctor's office but back in my bedroom. I touched my hair in confusion; it was brushed out and untangled, and I had on different clothes as well.

I had this strange feeling going through me, as if I had just woken up from a dream. I've never been drugged before, but how quickly I've been in and out of consciousness sure gives the definition. I am stunned when I look at my phone. Another three days have passed. That means I was out for three days, and yet there is no one by my side.