Lavender [h.s]

Chapter 56 ✰ I don't feel it anymore ✰

☆ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:☆ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:

"In this light, I swear you're mine."

☆ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:☆ ,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:

Midnight Love by Girl In Red

!Trigger warning!
Brief but triggering mentions of sexual abuse.

Mature content

"The streaming party celebrating Honest Face was... one that stands out in my memory. It was a whole party celebrating a song in which I helped create. I was in awe to say the least. And, you know if I'm being completely honest here, that night almost got soured for me. I was young and I let people, yank my emotions in any direction they wanted. And I want to publicly say, it is single-handedly because of Harry Styles, that I now consider that a great night."

Staring up at the ceiling of my room for the first time in a long time hollow eyed and embarrassed, I wish I could erase myself from existence.

I think it's a good thing Harry stopped me from doing coke all those months ago. He was right, a person like me can't do drugs. Because I know for a fact, if I had a little pill that made this twisted knot in my stomach dissipate, I would take it. I would fucking live off of it.

I'm really mad at Jax. I was just starting to feel better about my current position in life and he just has to go and drag me back into his shit. And I really hate, that in the moment I loved how he finally chose me. I despise myself for it.

It felt good, to finally after all these years have him pick me. And once I registered that feeling I felt disgusted. I see why everyone seems to run from me once they get a peek behind the curtain and see that I'm just some broken little thing instead of the cliché cool girl.

I'm fucking pathetic. A sloppy mess.

I like to pretend I'm not fragile but that's just a flat out lie isn't it? I break into shambles if the wind is a little bit too heavy, I explode if the sun is just a little too hot. And I drag everyone around me down, because of course I can't seep in my own misery alone, I must bring all the people I love with me.

If I saw someone like me I would probably leave too.

Harry finally got to see my whole untouched reflection. I mean he didn't just take a peek behind the curtain he ripped the material away completely. He saw the broken girl who misses her mom and tries embarrassingly hard to look pretty so people will like her.