Here We Stand [H.S]

155.

Five days away from the big day, and I wasn't sure if I had been kidding myself by brushing everything under the carpet.

But today I realised that forcing myself to be somewhat 'normal' on what was normally one of the most horrible days of the year for me, wasn't the way to go about it either.

So leaving Harry sleeping at the crack of dawn, I got myself dressed and escaped the house to go to the viaduct, wanting and needing to have these couple of hours to myself in order to get myself better and out of my own head.

I was determined that this Christmas wasn't going to be ruined by my demons, and I wasn't going to spend another holiday in tears and being miserable.

I had a new life now, one that I shared with the most amazing guy; and his family who had taken me in and accepted me as one of their own.

Not that I wanted to forget my mum, dad and Gran, but Anne had stepped up to the mark whenever I needed her (especially when we lost Oscar) not to mention of course Robin, Gemma, Des and Jo.

I wanted to be able to join in with this family's traditions, but first I had to battle my own demons and figure myself out before heading back to the house.

Nobody said this was going to be easy, but my God I wish that it was.

The death of a mother or father, or in my case, both my mother and father, had struck me so unexpectedly hard that it had also effected me in my adolescence- which I was living proof of and experiencing today.

Even now, during times where I've had even the greatest day, I'd still find myself thinking about them both.

A death of a parent can bring a unique kind of feeling, and while I had always been quite hands on with dealing with my loss, it was always this time of year (and their birthdays, my birthday, Mother's Day and Father's Day) that affected me.

I struggled with the worst.

I sat on the viaduct for what felt like hours, staring out into the open wide scenery before me, the river silently flowing beneath me and making swishing noises that were so relaxing, I honestly thought I was going to fall asleep sitting up.

The sky was blue, and even though it was winter, the crisp air was absolutely stunning and the birds were still chirping, so it could only have meant a good thing.

I don't know what possessed me to get my iPod out and listen to Green Day, but they were my safe place, the one place I ran too when things got too much and I couldn't handle the pain that was due to hit me or was already hurting me.

I wasn't sure how long I had been out here for exactly, but I had accidentally left my mobile data on so I wasn't surprised when my phone started bleeping madly as Phoebe began sending me a couple of photos in my WhatsApp conversation.

There were ones of us as teenagers when we first met, and apparently, even though it made me tearful because of the way I was feeling right now, she came across some baby ones of me while clearing out her house.

I wasn't exactly sure how she had gotten the baby ones of me, but the fact of being reunited with the child that had been so mentally and emotionally scarred through a photograph brought all of those feelings back.

Once again, I reverted and regressed towards going back to being that ten year old child who had lost absolutely everything once again.

People often expect that the death of relative who has been ill for a long time will feel easier to endure because it's predictable; but it's not.

No matter what the situation, the disappearance of a figure in your life that you've known since birth is always a sudden, dramatic change.

And eleven years later, I was still struggling with the death of my father and it had only been a few months since the death of my Gran.