Here We Stand [H.S]

113.

Of course I wanted to open up to Phoebe, Dani, Sav, Terri-Ann and Charlie; but I just wasn't ready for that yet.

So I picked myself up, despite the fact that I sometimes wanted to hit the deck and sob uncontrollably for the son that we lost, and dusted myself down.

I had faced many trials and tribulations in my short 21 years of life, but I was a firm believer that what doesn't kill you simply makes you stronger- and I was determined to live by that.

I knew from the offset, as soon as we realised what was going to happen to me, that the hardship of losing Oscar could either rip Harry and I apart, or bring us closer together.

I decided early that we were on the same team, regardless of what difficulties we were going to encounter through our loss and that this was going to bring us closer.

We had each other and I wanted to make it clear that it was particularly important to support each other through this.

It wasn't just about me as some people thought during a miscarriage and it brought me back to the previous conversations we had shared in the bathroom in Thailand- that whatever would happen between us, that no matter what happened- we'd always have each other.

So whether that meant Harry and I would be lucky enough to be blessed with pregnancy again, or whether we go through another miscarriage, I couldn't get pregnant at all, that we would decide to do fertility treatments or even adopt- we'd get through it and work through everything together, come what way.

Because we were a team.

I knew we had to reaffirm our love for each other during our time of sorrow, and even though I had physically bled out and my body had gone to hell and back, I wanted Harry to know that I was at his side no matter what.

We hadn't really discussed it much, but I couldn't imagine what it was like for him to see me in that sort of state, to not have the control of what was happening and even understand what was going on.

He had to just sit there, consoling me as best as he could, watching while I heavily bled in our bathroom, having never even seen me with a period before.

I couldn't imagine how frightening that was for him, seeing me in a state of pain and distress, bleeding and feeling utterly powerless to help me.

In a way, I felt the guilt eat me up with that too because I hadn't wanted to put him through that, not in a million years.

But the fact was, not even Harry, the doctor, the paramedics or other healthcare professionals could take away the pain and misery of a miscarriage.

In my non clouded sense of judgement, we needed to accept that we couldn't control the events and instead focus on what we could do instead- like remembering Oscar in our own way and moving on without ever forgetting him.

Which was why I was getting myself dressed and leaving the house for the first time since we found out all of this was going to happen.

I had held it off for so long, but I had to head to Liam and Phoebe's house, and see my little nephew.

I didn't think too much about it, I just knew I had to do it, because I knew if I held it off any longer the remorse would fill me with destructive hatred and jealousy, and I couldn't afford to feel that way.

Callum was his own person, and he deserved his auntie and godmother, as well as some quality time with his uncle Harry.

"You okay?"

I jumped, catching Harry standing at the entrance of the bedroom, his upper arm tightly leaning against the doorframe.

I knew he had caught me looking in the mirror and feeling what was left of the minute bump that I had, his exquisite eyes fixing on the moment that I was having to myself, but I still pulled on my top on and smiled like I had never smiled before.