The Butterfly and The Moth

12

"Why are we taking this car?" I finally spoke, my words cracking from my mouth as if they didn't belong in the air.

My mind had been frozen in place, as Daisy and I walked to the front of the house. She had been speaking, and I could hear the words but I didn't  remember any of them. My mind was just... stuck. Like it was desperately trying to keep any meaningful thoughts kept at bay.

"Oh," Daisy replied as she opened the drivers door of her parents expensive car. "Erik took mine this morning."

At the mention of his name, my body internally lurched. I willed my face to remain impassive as my brain reacted. There was a hint of fear, but I forced that away. There was panic, but I forced that away too. There was no need to feel those, because what happened was nothing.

But there was a surge of guilt that ran over me too, and it was even harder to shake. Because maybe last night wasn't what it felt like... maybe, to me I needed it to be nothing.

But even if it was nothing, to me... what would it be to Daisy?

I climbed into the car quickly, praying that Daisy wouldn't be particularly tuned into my body language. She didn't seem to be, once we were both inside the car. She wasn't suspicious at all.

"He was acting weird this morning," she said, as she pressed a button and the car began to purr. "Woke up before me and asked where my keys were before I could even open my eyes. He never wants to drive my car anywhere. He says it's too girly, as if cars can have a gender."

She started to laugh, and I wanted to rip my sinking heart out of my chest. The feeling inside me was too great, I wanted it gone. I felt horrible. I felt dirty.

I turned my head away from her, pointing my eyes out of my window as she began to drive. I rolled my lips together, like I was trying to glue my own mouth shut. How could I tell her? She would hate me. She would demand I leave and never talk to me again. I'd lose her so quickly. I just found her again.

"It's probably because tonight is our anniversary," she continued, still in the same light and airy tone. "He forgot, and I would bet anything he's at the mall right now, trying to buy something he'll tell me he ordered months ago."

"Oh," I forced the sound out, as I closed my eyes. I could feel my jaw clenching together again, like the pain in my heart needed an physical outlet, or it would explode.

"Cant believe it's officially been three years. You know we met at the Shore Party... it's just crazy. Who knew the boy I'd let stay in the pool house with his drunk friend would be the boy I'd spent the rest of my life with," Daisy continued, as I took a deep breath.

I was breaking my mind trying to find words to put into my mouth. I was searching for something to say other than your boyfriend fucked me last night.

When I didn't find those alternative words, Daisy asked, "are you okay? Did you sleep okay? You look tired."

"I, uh. Yeah. I'm fine... I mean, yeah I'm tired," I stuttered, feeling like she was dancing on the truth. "I had a nightmare."

"Oh," Daisy let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, Dahlia. Do you get them often?"

"Yeah," I let out, trying to tame a sudden rush of emotion that pressed against my lungs. I blinked rapidly, trying to prevent any watering in my eyes.

Daisy was silent for a second, as she pulled into a parking spot outside the school. "Maybe we can get you a dream catcher or something, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure," I answered quickly, internally shaking the emotion away from me. Daisy could never know. I needed to stop giving her clues.