The Butterfly and The Moth

9

The only thing I could could concentrate on, as I shoved the key that Daisy had given me earlier into the front door of her house, was how pissed I was.

I was pissed at Sterling, I acknowledged that first, as I finally opened the door, slamming it shut without a second glance behind me.

I was pissed at his words, I knew that, as I quickly walked through the clean and quiet mansion that belonged to my sister. I was pissed at his audacity to say them. I was pissed at the way they were calculated, designed like a specific knife to wound me and me alone.

I was pissed at the way he said them so easily, I recognized that  as I made my way through the backyard, my teeth so clenched together that it was beginning to hurt. He said them without a second guess. He didn't hesitate before he loaded the gun and pointed it at me— he just pulled the trigger.

But, the thing that I was pissed at most, I realized finally, as I finally entered into the pool
house, pushing the door closed as hard as I could, was myself.

Because it was me who had let those words hurt. I had let them affect me in the way they were currently affecting me. I had allowed them to sink into my skin. I had allowed them to poison me with the fire that they were lighting me with.

Because if his intent was a match, and his words were the sparks, I could only blame myself for being so flammable.

I kept my jaw closed tightly, as if I was trying to control the fire by willpower alone. I kicked my shoes off my feet. I kept it tensed as I walked across the room, letting my body fall into the soft bed like it simply belonged there.

I burrowed my face into my pillow, and my body into the blankets. I was just so pissed at myself for letting him get to me so deeply.

When you've lived the life I live— it's rule number one. Well, okay. Maybe it's not rule number one, but it's up there. What other people think, it doesn't matter. It can't matter. The only thing that can matter is putting one foot in front of the other. You have to keep walking, through the whispers and the judgement, even when your feet are so blistered you fear they might begin to bleed.

I focused on my breathing as I lay in the bed. Trying simply to extinguish the fire of my emotions. In for five seconds, out for five seconds.

And, eventually, the fire started to die out. My anger began to settle, maybe not completely. I knew that. Maybe it didn't settle at all, maybe it was just hidden.

But, I kept breathing. In, and then out. In, and then out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I repeated until my mind went black, and still, I kept breathing, until I was calm enough to let my eyes stay closed.

I felt them open again, slowly. And though I couldn't pinpoint the moment I had fallen asleep, it was obvious by the stiffness in my neck, and the way the light burned my eyes.

I was groggy as I slowly sat up, looking around the room as quick as my still tired eyes would let me, as if I would be able to find clues to tell me just how long I had been asleep.

But the still risen sun was the only one, letting me know that I didn't sleep into the night. I rubbed my eyes quickly as I continued looking around the room.

It took me a moment to notice the pink piece of paper on my nightstand. I felt a small frown emerge on my mouth as I reached for it, knowing exactly who left it. It wasn't a frown of worry, or annoyance; just confusion.

Didn't want to wake you yet. You looked like you could use the rest. You do need to be ready to leave for the shore party at 7, though. If you're not up by then, I'll come back to wake you. And I'm really annoying when I need to wake someone, so I hope for your sake it doesn't come to that.
- Daisy.