The Butterfly and The Moth

15

It turned out, Lucinda didn't really cook.

I guess she was the type of mom who only pretended to cook. Her pantry was filled with food, her cupboards had spices, and flour and baking soda. Her fridge had all the green vegetables they tell you you'll rot without eating.

But, she didn't use them.

And when she bought take out, it wasn't the type of takeout that comes in plastic wrappers and paper bags. It was the kind of takeout that's transferred onto expensive plates, and served on a fully set dining room table.

It was a quiet dinner. Lucinda made small talk. I acted as best I could. I answered her questions with what I thought was the right answer. I tried to smile as I did it. She could tell something was off, though. I guess my acting wasn't as good as I thought.

"You'll get used to this new schedule soon," Lucinda said sincerely, as she cleared my almost full plate from in front of me.

It wasn't that the food was bad. My body just didn't seem to want anything else inside of it.

"Yeah," I said carefully, leaning directly into the lie she had provided me. "I guess I'm just not used to school anymore."

Of course I wasn't, but for a different reason that I was implying. After working 50 hours a week for the last year, summer school was a breeze.

"The important thing is that you're trying," Lucinda smiled back down at me, although in the moment it felt a tad condescending, I couldn't quite blame her for it. I was trying.

But again, my reasons for trying were entirely different than she knew. Right now, I wasn't trying to assimilate into this bizarre new world of mine. I was just trying to find any oxygen that I could.

My lungs felt empty with each and every breath. As if I had just finished running for hours. I just couldn't catch it. There was no oxygen left for me.

I stood from the table, intending to follow Lucinda into the kitchen to help clean up. She stopped me before I could get very far, with a gentle hand on my arm.

"You don't worry about this," she said gently, "go rest. You deserve it."

I plastered a smile on my face as I received her words, nodding quickly. I didn't attempt to trade more nice words with her. My jaw was beginning to tense at her statement, my teeth clenching together.

I turned quickly, walking through the rooms and out of the back door. I didn't allow myself to look into the pool like I wanted, I immediately went into the pool house.

Go rest, you deserve it.

I didn't. I didn't deserve rest and I didn't deserve any of this. What would they do if they ever found out what I did? What would they do if they ever found out what I allowed to happen?

I rubbed my hands against my face as I stood in the middle of the room, just trying to force oxygen into my body. Although Lucinda was wrong, she was also right. I didn't deserve rest, but I needed it.

I needed to sleep for as long as I could, and pray that when I woke up, my mind would co-operate with my body. Maybe, it was a stretch to suggest I could forget what happened between me and Erik.

But, maybe I could make peace with it.

I brushed my teeth without looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to see my body, or my face. Of course, I had to put my turtle neck sweater back on before having dinner with Lucinda. I certainly couldn't allow her to see the bruises that happened last night.

I didn't look down at myself as I changed into something more comfortable. I chose a pair of sweatpants and another long sleeve shirt. Even though it was just me here, I wanted those bruises to remain covered.