One Heart

26. My reality will not become yours

"As you know, usually the reigning queen would crown the next." Anna looked down at the table as she explained the protocol to Sorah, who nodded dejectedly at the thought that her mother and grandmother were no longer alive to pass the crown. "And as you would also be well aware, once relieved of their responsibilities, a former queen will usually retire with her Ahein Rah, often with the aim to be left in peace."

Sorah nodded, encouraging her mother to continue.

"Well, I had a suspicion your great-grandmother wouldn't mind being disturbed on this occasion and luckily I was right. She will be here to pass the crown to you. They left late last night and should be here by 1pm," she finished with a small smile.

"Queen Reihnir? And her Ahein Rah? They're coming here?" Sorah asked. She had wondered who would pass the crown to her. She assumed perhaps her mother would since she had governed their society for so long and held the title of the Queen's First Advisor. Anna practically ran not only the castle but their society, so it made sense for her to perform the ceremony. Sorah's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the open door.

"Your Majesty, Your Highness." Fiona addressed both Sorah and Kensie in turn before continuing "I'm very sorry to interrupt. Commander Briggs requested that I inform Her Highness that he is briefing his soldiers on the security plans for this evening in five minutes, if she wishes to attend."

Kensie nodded and stood. "Thank you, Fiona." She bent down to kiss Sorah. "I'll catch up with you soon," she said with a pained expression. Sorah sensed, and felt her pain at being separated, watching her leave with a sombre smile.

"Good morning, Anna," came Fiona's tentative greeting. Sorah watched as her mother clenched her jaw, her gaze fixed on the table below. After taking a few seconds longer than was polite, Anna looked up at Fiona and offered her a weak smile and a soft nod. The tension in the room felt awkward, even by Sorah's standards.

"Right, well I had better get back to the lab. I will see you both this afternoon. Anna, Your Majesty." She addressed them in turn before leaving the room.

Sorah frowned at her mother. "What was that about?"

Anna jolted slightly at the interruption to her thoughts. "I guess she had work to return to, which is fine since we still have a few things to go over before this afternoon," she absent-mindedly answered, missing the point of the question.

Sorah's brow furrowed deeper. "That's not what I meant." Anna stared at her, and when she didn't respond, Sorah continued. "Is there something between you two?" She asked the question, expecting that though she didn't quite understand what, the answer was yes.

Anna shook her head. "No," she began. "Yes... I don't know. On her part..." The usually composed woman stuttered her words. Sorah looked on, awaiting further explanation. Her mother grimaced in frustration. "Fiona and I have somewhat casually... for about the last twelve months... but it has only been sex and even then..."

Sorah nodded, understanding how difficult such a dynamic must be for her mother when the uncontested love of her life was gone.

"It's not that I don't enjoy her company, I do... probably more so than most. We have fun together, we talk, but I have only ever seen it as friendship. How could I possibly see it as anything more than that?"

"So why the cold shoulder?"

Anna sighed. "Last night, she..."

"She wants more?"

Anna nodded and cocked her head to the side. "She told me that she loves me." She drew a deep breath that shook her body as she exhaled. "She knows what I am, and I guess she didn't when this first began... She knows that I simply don't have anything to give her, that it died thirteen years ago with Orla. And I would be lying if I said that being with her didn't inspire a small sliver of happiness, which when compared to the darkness I was in before is absolutely wonderful. But I... how can that ever be enough for her?"

Sorah's heart pounded in her chest and through to her temples. This was the price of a connection such as theirs. Tears sprung to Anna's eyes. "I feel so much guilt. Guilt that she is in love with me, guilt that I have no capacity to return such feelings... and most of all guilt that I'm," she paused and pinched the bridge of her nose, "that I'm enjoying her company when she isn't Orla. That I'm here, expecting anything other than misery in my life when she is gone."

In an action that surprised them both, Sorah stood and embraced her, understanding the sheer terror she must be going through. Though not understanding what it was like to live through the loss, Sorah knew how it felt when Isha lost Daroah. She knew that she could not go on living if Kensie were to be ripped from her in that way. She knew, with one hundred percent certainty, that if Kensie were to die, she would stand before her enemies without caution, welcoming the moment they would end her. She assumed that perhaps because Anna had gone so long not knowing that she was Orla's Ahein Rah, she was used to feeling that emptiness. Perhaps her perpetual misery protected her from the pain of the loss.

Sorah opened her mouth and then closed it, wanting to say so much but not knowing quite how to word it. "I think..." She pursed her lips in thought. "If Kensie died, I would die with her. If I couldn't do that physically—and I would try—then I would emotionally. And as much as I wouldn't want to live without her, if I had to... if I had to survive an awful existence without her, then I think I would have to take whatever sliver of happiness I could get. If Fiona loves you, despite knowing that you can't return that love, and if sex with her is somewhat satisfying, and her friendship lightens up your day, then I think you need to reach out for that sliver. Because you've lived this long, and if you don't want to continue then I would understand why. Just ask and I'll have you on every mission with every squad in my army so that you can find a release from your suffering. But if you're determined to stay, then you can't punish yourself. You can't settle for dead inside if there is anything slightly better than that out there." Sorah's own tears fell. Tears for her Anna, for Orla, and for herself. Because her mother's fate could just as easily become her own.

After what felt to Sorah like hours, Anna broke the silence.

"I held on... hoping that she was alive, that she would come back. And then there you were, the most precious gift paired with the most painful news. It was easier when I didn't know. When she was a child I simply thought I was protective of her because she was the heir. If only I could go back. I would have stolen her away myself... protected her. We would have brought you back to grow up happy while she reigned. And you... you would have known Kensie since you were born, and she would have protected you fiercely when you were young, and more when you grew older, and both of you would have spent the last eighteen years happy." She paused as she reflected on the past. "I never liked her, and I know she is aware of that, but I never made the effort to get to know her. I only saw the aloof, often cold exterior. It was so easy to blame her for Orla, but it was never her fault, and if I could go back, I would make sure that both of you made up the time you could have had if you grew up here. In all honesty, I can empathise with her now that I know who she is... now that I know who we both are."

Sorah stared at the table, comparing Anna's feelings of guilt to Kensie's, the way they both had a fierce need to protect, and to blame themselves when they felt they had failed. "You two think in a similar way... maybe it's part of being the Ahein Rah. She blames herself so much for Isha, for Orla... everything." She heaved a sigh and leant her head on her palm. "And she's terrified... terrified at the mere mention of an enemy that could rip me away from her, and I don't know how to help her because I'm just as scared as she is."

Anna's expression changed from one of sorrow, to one of determination. "Then that's what I'll hold on to. My hope that Orla was alive is gone, but I'm here... and maybe one day when it becomes too much I will accept your offer and join your army. But right now I'll do everything in my power to make sure your fears never eventuate. My reality will not become yours."