habits ❀ mattia polibio

ottanta­cinque

*trigger warning*
the following content talks about subjects that may be triggering for some such as rape, drugs, and sexual assault. please read at your own discretion.

— mattia

"what do you mean she's back?" alvaro asked and i sat there stressed.

it was the day after my birthday and after we posted pictures, madison woke up to a comment from leilani, the girl who almost got her raped, saying, "my parents."

"she commented on my picture." madison said as she sat beside me, her legs over my thighs.

"she shouldn't even be out already," alejandro said and madison shrugged her shoulders.

all i could think about was her returning to school. madison's never going to feel comfortable and i know it'll be so triggering for her to see leilani. that itself set a fire in me and i know as much as she's trying to act like she's calm, she's not.

i massaged her legs in hopes of calming her down and she looks at me, "i'm okay," she says and i nod, obviously not believing her. "what? i mean it." she says.

"mads, it's okay to be scared," lauren said.

"i'm not scared." madison says as she brushes her hair with her fingers.

"i'm not gonna let anything happen to you," i finally speak up and she inhales deeply.

"none of us are." roshaun said and the guys nodded in agreement.

"if she hits you up or anything, don't reply." lauren says.

"you have to be extremely careful if you-"

"guys just stop," she says. "you all have this idea of me letting that shit happen again. i'm not stupid, i know what she did to me."

"no one said you're stupid," i said. "we're just trying to protect you and you're pushing us away."

she raised her eyebrow at me, "because you guys are making it seem like i can't protect myself," she says. "i know you guys have my back and i love you guys for it, but i'm not going to put myself in a position that puts my life at risk again."

"you've been brushing your hair for the past five minutes, i know you're anxious." lauren said and i mentally high five her.

if there's one thing about madison is that she can be stubborn and the only way to make her a little more open minded is by calling her out on it. i'm glad she has lauren to call her out on moments where she needs to be called out. no matter how good of a boyfriend i could be to her, she will always listen to lauren.

"because," she starts. "this is the last thing i needed in my life right now. mattia got shot by a guy who couldn't handle being rejected, was barely able to walk till like a few weeks ago, and now leilani's back and who knows what she has in mind to do." she throws her head back and pinches the bridge of her nose, "i need a fucking break."

my heart sank and i grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to me. "im not gonna let anything happen to you," i repeat.

"you shouldn't have to protect me," she says and begins to tear up. "you're always putting me first and look where that got you." she points to my leg.

i look around, "i'm still here madison, nothing happened," i said. "yes, that shit happened but i'm still alive and im fine."

she sighs, "i just don't want to be the reason anything happens to you guys." she says. "i live with that guilt every single day and i just hate that i can't control that."

"nothing was your fault," robert said. "leilani's a bitch and she knows what will happen if she tries some funny shit with you again. im sure she doesn't wanna go to jail for a second time."