I Wish [ManxMan]🦂

Drayton [Dray]-01

"Take off your clothes, what are you waiting for?"

It is my wedding day.

Thats a lie

It is my birthday.

True

When you are older, some things become meaningless. And some more meaningful things. Love. Lust. But more importantly, regrets. You want to turn back time and change things, change how you acted, how you reacted. You want to go back and tell yourself to do better. Be better. Accept that proposal because in 30 years you will be alone. You want to tell yourself to take that major because this one brought you nothing.

 Or maybe, you want to tell yourself to hold on to that man, that man who brought you more pain than love, more hurt than hope. You want to plead to yourself maybe in the long run he would change, because you see him now, married and happy with someone else. So he changed, right?

But it's hard.

It's hard to regret.  Hard to hope for something that is impossible. Because now that you are older, you want to grab onto the most important things in life, even when you don’t know what's important anymore.

I don’t know what is important.

I mean I know, but yet I don’t know. I sound crazy, maybe even delusional  but that’s how I feel. I don't know anymore. 

I look around and everyone is successful, except me. Everyone is living his or her best 30s life except me. Family. Friends. Fame. Some have one while others have everything. I don’t envy them.

I don’t.

But

What's wrong with me? One moment I want to give it all up and think about death, the next I am trying to see what life has to offer. What am I doing?

Let me break it up for you, I am thirty years old, with no job, no money and living off my single mom who has been taking care of me ever since I was born, I am shameless, right? I know what you are thinking. Trust me I have thought about that a lot of times.

But I can't think of dying, how can I? why should I put her through the hell of thinking she wasn’t a good mother. A great one to begin with.

I broke her heart when she found out I was gay. Even  when she hide it so well, I remember seing her crying on the kitchen table at the middle of the night, and when the next morning came, she accepted reality as it was. She was happy for me and wished me well in life and in love.

But her wish never came true

Especially not in love.

I can't blame her, she is not me. But every time she asks about my men, every time her friends ask when I will get married, that feeling comes  again. That I disappointed her. I failed her.