I Broke His Heart Because I Had To, Not Because I Wanted To

Chapter Twenty - Please, let me explain

Chapter Twenty

Please, let me explain

   When we got home, I called Nat and asked if I could come over to his talk. "No. We have to avoid each other, remember?"

"Nat, this is important. I need to talk to you...I...I"

"You what?"

"I...I need to explain."

"Explain what?"

"I can't do this over the phone. It's like breaking up by text or email, I just can't do it. Please, I need to talk to you face-to-face."

He sighed and then said "I'm at home now, the door's unlocked, just walk in." before hanigng up.

   I pulled on a clean maxi dress, some gladiator sandals, put a new slick of lip gloss on, some fresh mascara and eyeliner and walked over to Nat's. When I got there, I walked into his house and up the stairs. I bumped into his sister. Yippee! "What are you doing here?" She snarled.

"I'm here to talk to Nat, he told me to come over." I said.

"Mmm hmm, sure he did."

"He did, he told me that the door was unlocked and to just come in."

"No. No, just go. Now."

"I...I can't. I have to explain it to him, then I'll leave."

"Just go, bitch."

"I can't. He needs to know."

"And you need to leave."

"No! He needs to know, he needs to know that I love him."

"If you loved him you wouldn't have broken his heart, would you?"

"I..." I had a tear dripping down my cheek. "I broke his heart because I had to, not because I wanted to. If it were up to me I wouldn't have let it happen."

"But you did. You made it happen!"

"No. I did it for him."

"Just get out."

"For shits sake just let me explain it to him. I'll explain to him that I did it because I wanted him to be with someone else when I was gone, not just mope about."

"Gone?" Nat asked, his head popping out from around his door. "Kelly, leave it."

"No! Why should I? This bitch broke your heart."

"I said friggin' leave it, Kel." Nat practically growled. Kelly sighed, glared at me and then stepped out of the way. Nat stepped back and opened his door. I walked in and we sat down on his bed.

   "Why are you going?" Nat asked.

"Becasuse I have to." I whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't."

"You could, you just didn't want to."

"I did, but it was so hard."

"Mmm hmm. So, where are you going?"

"Away."

"No shit, Sherlock. I want to know where you're going."

I sighed, stood up and looked out of his window. I looked at the back garden we used to kiss and laugh in. "I'm going away and I'm never coming back."

"But where?"

"A grave." I whispered.

Nat was silent for a minute before saying "Pardon?"

"A grave." I said slightly louder.

"Tell me that's a place."

"I wish I could."

"Why?" Nat whispered, coming over to the window and standing behind me.

"I...I have terminal-"

"No!" Nat yelled, cutting me off. "No! You're only a kid, you've not lived."

"Thanks for reminding me." I whispered, a tear coming to my eye.

Nat wrapped his arms around my waist, lent his head on my shoudler and said "What is it?"

"Liver Cancer." I whispered.

"How long?"

"Two or three." I whispered.

"What?" I was silent. "Two or three what? Years?"

"Months." I whispered, my voice cracking.

   "How long have you known?"

"'Bout five months." Nat pulled away from me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't." Tears were silently falling down my cheeks.

"You could."

"Yeah, you're right, I could, but I didn't want to hurt you."

"What?"

"I didn't want you to waste time grieving and shit. I wanted you to get back out there. That's why I broke up with you, that's why I made you keep away from me, that's why I avoided you. I didn't want to hurt you." Nat was silent just like me. "I'm sorry." I whispered after a moment. I took his hand and pulled him to the bed to sit beside me. I could see his eyes welling up. I moved towards him and pulled his head to my chest. I stroked my fingers through his hair as he cried. I felt awful for telling him this.