I Broke His Heart Because I Had To, Not Because I Wanted To

Chapter Nineteen - I miss you

I cried as I wrote about Sal and Mel talking in this chapter. Sorry if I make you cry, but I'm just writing what pops into my head.

Enjoy and vomment. Thanks, Josie, x.

O...O...O...O...O...O...O...O...O...O

Chapter Nineteen

I miss you

    For about two weeks, I lay at home. Sad. I was missing Nat and I needed a hug from him. I wanted to be able to feel Nat's warmth, smell his...Nat-ness, see the way he always smiled when we hugged. I really needed to feel his protection. I especially needed him to know. I automatically resorted to Facebook. I got onto my Facebook page and started to type. I wrote a cryptic message on it.

'Nathan Burne my flowers miss the sun. Call 1-4-3 for me.' I wrote, a tear coming to my eye. I wiped away the tear and posted the comment on my wall. A minute later, Nat commented on my post. He wrote: 'I called 1-4-3 and they said not to worry, the sun misses the flowers too. Just hope for the best.' I smiled. He still wanted me, he still loved me. I then put a comment under Nat's. I wrote: 'Thanks for the 1-4-3, Nathan Burne. Sending it right back to you.'

   That night, I fell asleep and dreamed about Nat and I. I dreamed about us sitting in a secluded garden. We were making love. After, we just lay there and we whispered to each other. We were whispering in a foreign language, I think it was Portuguese. When I woke up, I cried. Because I knew it was too selfish of me to want Nat, to be with Nat. I had to do what was best for Nat, and that was exactly this: stay away from him. So, I trudged downstairs and watched TV, wrapped in a blanket, all day. I even watched that crappy daytime TV they do, The Jeremy Kyle Show, Judge Judy etcetera, all of that shit.

   Sal kept on urging me to go to school but I refused. I just stayed at home for another two weeks, until half term. I sat on the roof outside my window, I cried, I read, I Facebook-ed, I watched TV all day, I didn't eat. The weight I was losing wasn't showing as much, so Sal didn't moan at me as much as usual. When I got a text from Nat asking to meet up, I told him that I couldn't, that me and Sal were going to see some family. Strange enough, we did go to see family. Sal and I drove down to Kent to see aunt Lisa, uncle Dave, cousin Kim and cousin Kieran (they're twins).

   Kim, Kieran and I spent the week on the beach or going out. On the second last day, we met up with some of their friends and one of them, Cory, pinched my arse. I slapped him and stormed away. When Kim and Kieran got home, we all sat in the dining room around the table and talked. I looked at them all and said "I...I...I have..." I stopped, took a deep breath and whispered "I have...terminal liver Cancer." Kim's and Kieran's mouths fell open slightly and aunt Lisa started to cry.

Uncle Dave comforted aunt Lisa and said "How long have you got, darlin'?"

I sighed and said "Another three or four months...maybe." I then got out of my chair and ran out of the house. I ran all the way to the beach. The sun was setting and the sky had a purple-mauve tint to it. When I got to the beach, I sat down in the water so I was probably in about five or six inches of the cool and salty water. I sat and tears started to fall down my cheeks.

   While I cried, I heard Sal say 'she's on the beach, I'll sort it.' She came over to me and sat in the water with me. She then wrapped an arm around my shoulder and said "Hun, what is it?"

I whimpered, lent my head on her shoulder and said "I can't do it! I can't say goodbye to people! It's too hard! Why can't I just go and have it done with?!"

"Because that...that would break my heart, and...you can't do that to me. You need to be strong. You need to be strong for me, for Nat, for Lou, for all of them back there and - most of all - for yourself. You can't be scared of this, you need to make the most of it, okay? Can you do that for me?" Sal was now crying and I was crying harder. I nodded my head. "Is there anything you want do or need to do?" I nodded.

"I have a list, it's in my bag. I'll go back and get it, then I'll bring it back here, okay?" Sal nodded. I stood up, wrung my maxi dress out and ran back to the house, me feet still bare. When I got to the house, everyone looked at me as I ran through the lounge, dripping everywhere, with my blotchy and tear slash eyeliner, stained face. I ran up to my room, grabbed my list from my bag and ran back to the beach.

   Back at the beach, I sat in the water next to Sal and handed her the list. I only had two more things to do: Make sure Nat understands why I did it, Make up with Nat?

"Do you want me to help you with these?" Sal asked.

"No, I think I know how to do them, thanks." I whispered, resting my head on her shoulder again.

"So, 'break a bone, sing in a karaoke bar, drunk enough to pass out, tall, dark and handsome stranger'? When did you do all of these?"

"The stranger was on holiday. Do you remember the guy from the pool?" Sal nodded. "Well, he was at the bar when we got back from Rome. He took me into some garden and we kissed." I thought it best not to tell her about what else happened. You know, about the bone. The karaoke bar was with Nay, Fran and Lou about a month ago, you know the day I went to the salon to get my hair sorted after we dyed it from getting so drunk? Well, we went to this karaoke bar that Nay knows after getting drunk and sang there.

   "Ohhhhh!"

"What?"

"That's how I got the love bite. Some guys brought us drinks and then one kissed me."

"Very smart, Mel."

"I was drunk and had a headache, okay?"

"Drunk enough to pass out?"

"Oh, when we went camping. I also did a little more that isn't on my list."

"What was it?"

"Me and Nat...well, we were in the same section of the tent and both majorly drunk. We kinda'..."

"Oh, Mel! You fool!"

"I was drunk! gimme' a break!"

"Then we passed out."

"Oh."

"We need to go home."

"Why?"

"I need to see Nat."

"It can wait for a day, you have to say goodbye, I know it's hard but you need to. Please."

I took a deep breath and said "Okay." We then got up and walked back to the house, our dresses dripping and our feet sore.