Wolf & Coyote Mercenary Services [Looney Tunes AU]

Episode 25: Feast of Fools

After Ralph hears the story from Wile (getting a good laugh out of it), he shares with him a little surprise.

"I reserved two seats at the classiest Sapient-owned restaurant this side of the country, Fête Céleste des Bêtes!" He hands Wile a brochure to read.

The coyote's brows furrow with worry. "I appreciate the gesture, but can we really afford this? This place looks kind of expensive."

"Don't you fret, dear. I pulled a few strings with a friend to get us in. But this isn't just any affair." Next to him is a duffel bag, which when unzipped reveals a sliver of colorful garments. "This is a stakeout."

The night of their "date", Ralph arrives at the Fête Céleste arm-in-arm with his beau. He is dressed in fanciful white, with a matching trilby and rose-tinted glasses. Wile, on the other hand, struts proudly in a sparkling blue dress and blonde wig. They approach the host, a stoic-faced Afghan hound in a tuxedo, and Ralph says with a French accent, "Reservation for two, under the name Lou Garaud."

The host glances at Wile with a curious arched brow, then checks his reservation book. "Ah, yes, table for two. Right this way, Mr. Garaud." He escorts them to their seats and hands them each a menu. "The waiter will be with you in a moment. Thank you for dining at Fête Céleste des Bêtes."

Wile reads through the menu, overwhelmed by the fancy French names and extravagant prices. Pepé would be right at home in this place, but he himself feels like a fish out of water. He stops to look at Ralph, whose attention is directed elsewhere. Then his ears pick up a familiar voice.

"Table for two, name's Pussycat." Standing at the entrance is Sylvester, accompanied by a pink-eyed skunk doe dressed in red. The host leads them to a table within the canine couple's sight.

"Thank you for taking me out, Sylvester," says the doe as she takes her seat.

"Hey, only the best for a pretty lady like you, Anne," he replies suavely.

Wile leans in and whispers, "What's Sylvester doing with her, of all people?"

"That..." Ralph gestures at the odd couple. "...is the reason why we're here. Anne's got the hots for Sylvie, so I convinced him to take her out on a date. This is the best opportunity we got to stake her out."

The coyote turns to glance at the skunk and cat when the waiter, a Cavalier King Charles spaniel barely much taller than the chairs, approaches his table. "Welcome to Fête Céleste des Bêtes," the waiter greets the wild dogs. "My name is Stuart, and I will be serving you tonight. Would you like something to drink, Madame?"

Wile picks up the menu and frantically flips to the drinks section. Putting on the most feminine falsetto he can muster, he answers, "I'll have the, um, wine? Please?"

Ralph interjects, "Give us a bottle of your best wine, por favor."

Stuart nods. "Of course. I recommend our house brand of rosé pour chiens. Will that do?"

"Absolutely! Thank you, good sir." The waiter walks off, allowing them to refocus on the subject at hand. Anne and Sylvester are chatting about parenting and schools and other mundane things. Sylvie's a pretty dull guy. I'm surprised she hasn't fallen asleep yet.

Thankfully, something much more interesting has arrived to break the tedium.

Nearby, a group of familiar faces circle around a larger table. Bugs and Lola Bunny sit on one end, and on the other, Wyatt Wolfgang and Duane Mutterland. Duane, with seeming awareness, side-eyes them in their tacky disguises, stifling a snicker.

"I take it your 'friend' is over at that table?" Wile dryly questions his boyfriend.

"Let's just say I was able to convince Duane to dole out some dosh for our date. He even offered to tailor our outfits." He receives a skeptical look. "We do owe him a favor, but we'll cross over that bridge when it comes up."