Beauteous

Chapter 24

“Tumigil ka kakaiyak jan, Brine!” sigaw ni Mommy sa labas ng aking kwarto.

I kept my face under the pillow. Basang basa na ang unan dahil sa maiinit na luha na ayaw huminto. I am tired, hungry and alone..

“Wala kang mapapala sa kakaiyak! Tears won't change your body!” she said and slammed the door madly.

And when she mentioned my body, mas lalong tumulo ang mga luha ko. They are unstoppable.. And it hurts so much. Ayoko na pero ayaw tumigil ng luha.. They continously cascading down my eyes, like waterfalls.

“Brine, what he said is true. Look at yourself, you are different.. And that's not feminine at all!” she said while we're having our dinner. Maraming pagkain ang nasa plato niya, habang ako ay isang mansanas.

Yumuko na lang ako at kinain ang mansanas. Gustom na ako but Mommy never gave me more than this. Kung hindi prutas, gulay. Walang kanin. Walang karne.

I am aware that she knows what happened to me. After my sleepless nights, she knew it. I told her what happened, the bullying and mockery of people. Wala na akong lakas para sumagot pa sa kanya. She actually pushes me to stop eating and more exercising.

“You will get the hang of it, just think that I am doing this for you.. Ayokong makitang umiiyak ka, Brine..” she smiled at me and pulled me for a hug.

And when she hugged me. I felt her presence as my mother.. the presence I was craving ever since. All she ever did was to leave me all alone, and now, she's with me, fighting with my battles.. And I just can't help but to feel happy.. that somhow, I thought that she'll never be with me but she's now. Helping me, encouraging me to change my body. For the better..

“Actually, Brine.. You're already pretty but you need to make everything about you.. perfect. You're tall, you can lose weight and be pretty, everyone's gonna love you..” she said while we're in front of the table.

Hearing that everyone's gonna love me, it encourages me to push all my limits. Malakas ang loob ko dahil nasa tabi ko si Mommy, pinapalakas ang loob ko na baguhin ang sarili ko. She wants me to be perfect, sayang naman daw kasi kung hindi ko magagamit ang pagiging half American ko kung hindi rin ako magiging maganda tulad ng mga artista at model na may halong banyaga. She boosts me, ipinapakita ang mga larawan ng magagandang babae and it inspires me to be like them.

“Pack your things, we'll go to America.” she said one night.

“Paano ang pag aaral ko? Hindi ba ay kaka enroll ko lang?” naguguluhang tanong ko sa kanya. She sighed.

“You have to transfer, anak.. I don't want you to stay there. That school and students put you through hell..” she said. Hearing the word "anak".. it made me feel alive.

We immediately leave the next day. I only texted Iris, saying that I am leaving in a hurry. Kahit na gaano ko siya kagusto na puntahan at mag paalam nang maayos, Mommy won't let me.. She doesn't like Iris at all. 

When we landed at America, Mommy confiscated my phone. Napag usapan na namin 'yon, I agreed with it. Na habang summer pa rito sa America, ibubuhos ko ang lahat ng oras ko sa pagdadiet at pag eexercise. I have to do it..

The unfamiliar place, unfamiliar people and feelings. Sinubukan kong pakisamahan ang mga 'yon kahit na minsan ay nakakaramdam ako ng pagkakamiss sa Pilipinas. But I have to go through it, I have to continue everything.