Everything feels terrible (Gorillaz x reader)

plus, minus, zero

I smiled looking at the reflection in the mirror. I've gained weight! My arms are stronger and I just look healthier with a bigger frame.

...I've gained weight.

Turning the mirror to face the wall, I sit down on my bed.

It felt like a bad -deadly- thing to have gained weight. Living entirety of your life comparing yourself to a skinnier person and being ashamed of eating as much as you need to did not feel good. But being almost normal weight felt shittier.

I could've made a pamphlet of things that led me to have that illness.

'If that 49 turns to a 50, I'll be fat,'

'If I get seconds, I'll be selfish,' 

'Are you sure eating that much will do you any good?'

'You're hungry after bed time? That's too bad, should've eaten before.' 

'You don't deserve to eat after what you said to them.'

Those are what the voice said.

The day I realized I was a skeleton was something else. I don't know how it gotten to that point and why no one did anything.

Sure, some of my family said to eat more, but that made it worse.

I still struggle, and will continue to struggle, but it's getting better. I've started to give less shits about how much I eat at a buffet. But I feel bad about not finishing my plate. I still can't eat myself until I'm full for a longer period of time.

There was a change when I got into my first relationship and their mom made great food. She always made me have bit more than usual, but she never forced me to anything.

It was different from my family. You never knew when you'd have the next meal. We weren't poor, no one made food or knew how to cook; except my brother. I always liked his food since he knew how to use spices.

I mostly survived jr. high with 4 yr old's portion size of school food and snacks when I got home.

I associated feeling sick from not eating with being too tired. So whenever I felt sick or hunger pains during the evening, I just went to sleep.

Migraines were another thing that became somewhat frequent. But you can just sleep those off.

There's so much that I could write about but I don't want to rant about this much.

Hopefully this makes someone feel less alone.