My Golden Blues

🎈 sunspots

"You're too optimistic."

A very common thing to hear, especially from people to whom I can't show my shadow to.

I have my own unlit spots I try to not show you.

I TRY to not show you. I don't hide them.

Like sunspots, my optimism can just overshine those unlit spots.

I try not to show you, because you don't need them.

What you need is the nurturing warmth I was hoping I could bring.

But dear, you have to know that I am not what I solely show you.

If I chose to make you see inside my honest heart, would you make it out unscratched?

I am a storm of gloom wrapped in sunshine.

I am a worst-case scenario generator fueling a wishing well.

When I am optimistic, you are hearing what I want you to have in life. How I genuinely wish for everyone to be happy and persevering.

When I am pessimistic, you are hearing all the things I have seen in life, the traumas and betrayals I have witnessed, and how cruel the world is.

My pessimism is a library, that I can choose what book of impossible shall I cry for tonight. Lined up in the shelves of my hopes, are all the things I think I can't do, a manual towards a goal, and beside it are all possible ways things can go wrong and how can I ruin it, 101.

My pessimism is the unexplored parts of the pacific ocean, striving, unknown, healthy. A part of my Earth I long to reverse, but can only accept, discover, and cope.

My pessimism is unbearable, that I decided to label myself as someone who'll die as nobody. That my tomb would be a blank slate of wasted cement people put above my buried casket, out of respect to the dead.

I told you that my chaos is just carpeted with calm.

- Pudding Emperor ⚓

A/N

that's right, please believe her. *o*