The Fire Within: Secrets

The Fire Within: Secrets- Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Dear Diary,

I have decided to write this poem to describe myself and how I felt when I was so deeply in love with Spencer. Love is Suicide: 

Love is Suicide

I cannot tell if you even know 

I need to decide

I cannot go on, for I need to go

Love is Suicide

I put myself on the line

I carry through the pitiful days

Looking for so many ways

Ways to say GoodBye before I am Eaten whole

Love is Suicide

I tried to Love and fell into the dirt

You may not even know, but you got me hurt

I think of cutting to end the pain

But I know I mustn't do

For the pain it will cause to you

Love is Suicide

I should hate you, but I love you so

You stole my heart from the very first day

I threw it at you, all the feelings I say

for all the pain I have come to know

And the thoughts I must think

You think it's your fault

Love is Suicide

I don't know why it appeals to me so

Is it just you? Or the way it is so?

Maybe I'm attracted to loving what I can never have?

Why do you do this to me? It hurts

Why did you do this? I'm left in the dirt

I cannot know your reasonings, but for know I know

Love is Suicide...

This poem used to explain how I felt. When Cole and Spencer hid their secret and then after when I learned the truth. But now it didn't. I did love Spencer, but I was going to let go. Or try to. I remember my last entry had explained what happened. 

And I will continue to write down my thoughts in this journal. 

My story had gotten so much more complicated, right? I have been through the death of my mom, getting beaten by my ex-step-mom, bullying, depression, cutting, little bit of eating disorders and suicide. 

I don't know if there will be any time to be free of it all, but I'm okay with that. As long as I have Cole and Spencer with me, I would be alright.

I know before, I explained that Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I had again tried to kill myself. I do understand it gets tough, and i do wish that no one ever has to feel like they have to give up, but this is earth, we're human, we always go through different stages and get so afraid.

I had wished i realized this more than i had before, but you have to take risks to learn from them. My mistake was falling to deep. But Spencer and Cole were there and pulled my through. I know they care for me, especially after i scared them when I had almost jumped in front of that car. 

For now, i am going to let my fire burn. The fire I held within myself. It shall glow as brightly as my love for Spencer. If he'd only know that I could never forget my love for him and let him go. I am just hoping he will find his perfect match.

Sincerely,

Sierra Riley