Celestine

twenty three // célestine

The driver stops the car and tells us we've arrived. Last recording studio, last episode of the last show.

"Think it through," Alvin says, when I grab the door handle. He's been my manager/agent for years. He's benefited a lot from my success, and I know this is the only reason he wants to talk me out of ending my career.

I let out a chuckle. "You have no idea how long I've been thinking it through. My decision is final. You can start looking for a new client."

I leave the car first. He knows that's it. He knows Tina Cartier is signing out.

He stops me as soon as we enter the studio. I expect a lecture. Maybe a ten-point list of reasons why I shouldn't do it. But Alvin only reaches his hand out, "I'm not saying I've expected this, or that it's ideal, but I have no choice but to respect it, right? And I want to say congratulations on everything, thank you for working with me all those years and... good luck."

This is almost like we're friends. We never were and won't ever be, but I'm glad he's finally giving up. I shake his hand, because better late than never. "Good luck to you, too."

~~~

After an hour of preparation – mental and physical, I set my phone on the coffee table and sit right in front of it. The front camera opened, red dot ready to be clicked. I do it fast, there's no need to be overthinking this any longer.

It's a one-take. I don't need to worry about making it perfect anymore.

"Hi, everyone." I smile, waving at the camera. "Célestine Cartier here. Most of you probably know me as Tina. I'm here to let everyone know that I'm no longer going to be Tina."

A weight falls off of my shoulders like a gown made of gold.

"I've never really felt like Tina to begin with, to be honest." I give a light chuckle, feeling free. "In the last three months I've finalized all the projects I took on. Not going to lie, it was exhausting. The contract with my agent also ended and I am not planning on extending it. I am retiring. I know, funny thing to say when I'm only thirty and been acting for twenty years. But those twenty years were enough for me. I'm grateful for all the support and love my characters and I got over the course of those two decades. All of those characters still mean the world to me, and I'm grateful for the opportunity I got to become them. I just grew out of that life.

"While I love acting, everything else around it has become something I can't handle anymore. As you could see, I kept prolonging my break, and that was the reason. I couldn't bring myself to come back, because it became a chore, a draining one. The months of my break, especially the last one, was the happiest I've been in a while. I didn't want to stay around and give you guys movies I won't enjoy making. I believe there are actors and actresses way better than me who will fill up my spot.

"Right now... I want to downsize my life. I want to enjoy every day without a single plan and change the path I'm on completely. So, if you heard rumors of me retiring, I am here to confirm it. I know some people still won't be satisfied with my decision, but it's okay. They don't have to be, because it's not about them. I want to thank everyone for everything. Everyone I met, everyone I worked with, everyone who supported me.

"You know... It's probably going to be hard, but the first and only person you have to satisfy is you. People will put a lot of expectations over you, but being happy and true to yourself is really... really rewarding. And we are all the same. People like me are seen as someone better, just because we're known and idolized by a lot of people. The truth is, there is nothing special about us. Or maybe the other way round. There is something special about all of us. And fame, money and achievements don't decide about it. You simply are special. And what I'm about to say belongs on 2013 t-shirts, but if you have a dream, follow it. It's scary, sure, but you have no idea how good it feels."

The last moment of Tina Cartier. She's going to stay in the past now. In a month the hype around her will cool down, everyone will start accepting that's it. And I will go on.

I save the video, post it on Instagram and mute my phone. The last step is complete. Everything is done. I am officially retired from my acting career.

That's not how I imagined it. I didn't imagine being alone in my quiet apartment. I didn't imagine the heaviness that washes over me, keeping me still on the floor. It was supposed to be a moment of relief and celebration.

The room is too quiet. One spot on the couch – on the right – feels empty despite all the pillows stuffed into that corner. No one's cooking in the kitchen, how I thought it would be. All the cans of coconut water from last month are still in the fridge.

"Congratulations, Célestine. You did it," I mumble to myself, and my voice doesn't sound right, either. I imagined someone else saying it. I imagined him hugging me, because right now I feel exposed, and the world is too big, and no place feels like 'mine'.

I guess I got what I wanted.

And I would have never done this without the only person I want to see now, and the only person I can't see. As grateful as I am that it's all over now, it's still not right.

Because Jungkook is not here. It's just me, myself and I.

I'm glad that in the first month we've known each other, when I was still on a break, he only paid attention to Célestine. Even if it was fleeting. In the past months, since his show started, he's put an emphasize on Tina Cartier. He's became famous for Tina, to be with Tina. He didn't have to change anything for Célestine.

Now he's becoming a star, and I don't know if he really wants it or not. I used to understand him so well, and now I have no idea what to think about it.

Was I wrong about what's between us? Or was it really there and we just lost it? Maybe it got so blurry I don't know how to come back to it.

It doesn't matter now. He sees me as Tina, in some percentage, and people who do, stay with Tina. In the past.

It's easy to let go of those people. But it's not easy to let go of him, even if for a while he wasn't himself at all. I know the guy I met was real. Maybe a bit flawed, like all of us, but real. The way he dreamed was real, the way he laughed was genuine. And I know this guy is still there, but Jungkook pushed him to the side.

And it's hard to let go of him and what I had in my grip for a while, because I can live without him, I can achieve my dreams without him, I can create a whole new life for myself without him in it. But where's the fun in it?

Even if someone's going to cry with me, they won't be Jungkook.

Even if someone's going to get wasted with me and play basketball, they won't be Jungkook.

Even if I'll eat strawberries at a lake, watching sun set, with someone, they won't be Jungkook.

He didn't mold himself into a spot next to me, the spot in the exact shape was there all along, I just luckily happened to find the owner of it. And now, whoever's going to take it, I will silently expect them to fit into it. Whoever's going to walk that path with me, I will silently compare them to Jungkook. Even if no one could ever be like him.

My celebration party is small. I drink wine, I watch the first episodes of Jungkook's cooking show, and I act like I'm not crying, because I miss him. Because he should be with me now, and tomorrow, and every day. Because my life without Célestine and Jungkook feels dull. Because I got what I wanted, but lost what I needed.