Celestine

nineteen // célestine

The worst thing about Jungkook appearing on TV is what I can't call him out for. Because he's not required to give it to me, and I should be a supportive friend if this is what he wants, but I can't help feeling like I'm losing the understanding I found with him.

Yesterday was a mess. God, I'm not even sure what happened. One day felt like a month. Recently, every time we try to talk and make up, we can't even understand each other. We try, but the viewpoints keep clashing. His are changing, because of the new branch of his career, and they are nothing close to mine.

As soon as he stepped into what I'm running from, the lines got blurry. He can't fully understand why I don't want anything to do with the industry, if he's becoming a part of it.

For a while, he was the only person I could turn to, knowing he's going to understand and sympathize with me. It meant so much to me just one month was enough to make up for the past few years of having no support I'd sought out for. Nowadays, I feel like we've been friends for decades, but also like the beginning of our friendship is a fever dream. Too good to be true.

Now Jungkook can't understand the industry is sucking the life out of me and him, he can't understand why I'm so desperate not to end up on a spot behind the career on his list of priorities. Because once I do, I'll never make it back above it. The career will only grow, consume time and thoughts, and I'll be alone again.

I could live without him, but it would be a mediocre life. I could be spontaneous by myself, or with someone else, but no one... no one is Jungkook. Meeting him was better, and more rare, than finding a four leaf clover.

It's 4 a.m. I'm awake. I don't know if I have schedule today. The past couple weeks have merged together. I don't keep up with anything – Alvin does. But I'd also willingly avoid Alvin, who's probably plotting how to put a pen in my hand when I'm asleep and make me sign a contract for a movie.

My body aches when I get out of bed. Back and shoulders stiff, head tight, muscles crying. My face extra greasy after barely any sleep. With a snail-speed, I clean my face. Sweet scent of cherry blossoms lays on my skin. As I dry it with a fluffy cotton towel, I almost give in and sleep against the bathroom wall.

I come back to my phone buzzing with a text message. Dehydrated, I take the phone with me to the kitchen, and open the text while drinking a glass of ice cold water. My eyes widen.

Jungkook: I close the restaurant at 7 p.m.

Jungkook: do you wanna hang out?

First, there was a fight. Then my panic attack. A few minutes of peace. And then the heated exchange of viewpoints I couldn't stand. We haven't talked after that. The silence between us isn't anything new, but recently it came because we lacked time. Not the bravery to make things right again.

It looks like I can finally spend time with him without the staff and cameras all around.

Me: you're not suddenly going to tell me you have to go and record something?

Jungkook: nope

Jungkook: just me and you

I cancel all of my schedules immediately. Nothing will stop me from finally dipping back into the life I adore so much. Life I'm anticipating so much. If I remind myself once what I'm working for, it will be easier to push through the last projects.

Me: why are you awake?

Jungkook: couldn't sleep

Jungkook: been thinking about you