Not So Scary (Punk L.R.H. |au-ish|) [COMPLETED]

Chapter 61

Chapter 61

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"So when did you get here?" Holly asks as we are sitting on one of the remaining couches while some show plays in the background.

"Oh, just last night. I was going to text you but jetlag is a bitch, and I can barely function in the morning without food. But you know that."

"All to well, might I add." She chuckles lightly. "So how have things been."

"A lot has changed I can tell you that." I look up at her and she is looking back expectantly, waiting for me to continue. I figured not to hold back anything, she is my best friend after all. "You wanna hear everything?"

"Absolutely, I got you. No matter what." She replied, and with that, I let my guts spill.

"I'm not really sure whether to look back on the past year and a half with happiness or sadness. I met new people, had great times, but now, everything has changed. Mom died-"

"She what? How?"

"Uh, well, after her and Dad got divorced..."

"Excuse me?"

"How bout I just start from the beginning."

"You better."

I let everything go. All the built up feelings. Anger, pain, saddness, happiness. My mood has never changed so much in that amount of time.

I tried to at least stay somewhat stable, but recounting all that had happened in the past year and a half isn't as simple and easy as telling someone what you had for breakfast.

And with Holly, I didn't have to pretend I was okay. I didn't need to keep that walls that I had built. I could be honest, not only with her, but with myself. Which is something I needed right now.

Lying to myself that I was Okey was a very bad decision. It's hard to gage pent up emotions until the boil over, and you break down.

The nearly mute television seemed to scream these lyrics at me:

There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real

The truth is I feel dead. Spent. Like 8 couldn't go on. Everyone is taking from me and now I feel physically and emotionally drained. Sure I can pretend to be fine, but we all hide behind masks.

I just want to be done.

With what? I'm not quite sure. I want to be done with everything that.is making me feel like this. I hate feeling this way.

I want to feel free. I want to relax and not worry. And I don't even know what I am worrying about.

I don't even really know what I am feeling anymore.

My life has turned into one huge question mark. I don't really know what I'm feeling. I don't know what I am doing, what I'm working for, what I'm trying to achieve. And I'm not trying to say some bullshit about my future and how I don't know what lies ahead but I should, because no one knows.

But my problem is I just don't know.

-

"Wow." Was Holly only reply. "That's just- wow."

"Yeah." I agreed and wiped any additional tears that had not already dried on my face.

"How are you still here? Still smiling?"

"Well there is always hope."

"Hope my ass. You're not okay and you're not fine."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Probably not to most people. But I know you."

"Noting is ever going to be okay, is it?" I looked up at her saddness laced with every syllable.

"No, I'm sorry."

Thing will never back to the way they were. Nothing is ever going to be normal again.

But I'm just going to have to pish through and hope that I come out alive.

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Shorter than the last couple chapters sorry...

This is so late, I am so sorry...

And just a heads up, my school is ending kinda soon so I have exams to study for and more assignments that the teachers couldn't figure into the regular school year. So updates will sporadic at best. I'm sorry, but updates should be back to regular (and possibly more frequent) by the end of May.

And I have decided that for my next test I will wear my Seahawks jersey because then I know I'll pass when I probably shouldn't.

^football joke if you dont get it, that's okay^

Okay love ya all and I will update soon (hopefully) ♡♥♡

xx
Noelle