𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐞 | ✔

ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏ sᴇᴠᴇɴ

"Then why were your cheeks wet when I opened your door?"

"You saw that and still proceeded to shove that pie in my face?"

"Duh, I wanted payback," he looks me up and down grinning. "And I got it."

I plaster a smile on my face as I start pushing him towards the door and say, "alright, now go, I have to shower now that you've got all this over me."

"Wait–wait–I want to know why you were c–"

I wave with my fingers. "Toodles." And I shut the door in his face.

The rising rate of my heart begins to plateau off, an ease of calmness surrounding me in the absence of prying people and voices. Sometimes it hurts to be around people when you want to be alone– I laughed, sure, but anyone can laugh.

When I'm alone again the uncomfortable feeling of being in my own skin resurfaces making me want to fill up the bath with scalding hot water and burn off and disintegrate any remnants of what I just did. Erase my actions.

It's not fair on him either– he wouldn't want any of this if he knew the truth. But I don't plan on telling him so for now, I'll keep my distance.

My mother wouldn't be proud. Her voice has echoed in my head ever since I cracked under the pressure and opened up to her and my father. It wasn't my fault that I was irresponsible and sleazed around with guys older than me, yet she always made it seem like that. They were always working, barely at home, so yeah, I did get carried away. Then a little too late, she pulled me back into line hidden from any desirous gazes– except for one that slipped through the cracks of her steel shield.

Grisha. He's a plague, and I feel him running through me, deeper with every passing day and nothing can seem to shake him out of me. My eyes close only to visualise his greys, my eyes only open to revive my memory of them.

I turn on the shower not bothering to take off my swimsuit and rest my back against the wall, sliding down to the floor, with the water raining down on me.

Something tells me that this plague isn't going any time soon because while I can try to scrub away the horrible feeling of my actions, his touch is something I don't want to forget.

And it's something I want without having that soul crushing voice in my head.

...

Sitting cross legged on my bed, facing the head board, I take the reins of my mind to create a clear blank space in my head. Straight shoulders, head straight, hands resting on my legs and my eyes closed.

I inhale with my mouth slightly parted for eight seconds.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

I open my eyes staring at the plain wall and hold my breath for four seconds.

One scone, two scones, three scones, four scones.

Scones are nice when they have an unhealthy amount of jam and clotted cream on.

I exhale for seven seconds, feeling my chest collapse. I haven't done these exercises recently, I haven't really needed them so much, but today was a game changer.

The sky glitters ferociously with the thin crescent moon hovering in the middle. There's a breeze every now and then. It sends a comforting shiver down my spine, one that tells me I deserve to be alone with no-one. Personally, I think it's a reasonable thought.

Despite the visit from a specific enemy of mine, today I don't feel like someone's going to jump me from behind every two seconds. She's not going to kill me– she needs me.