Fifty Shades of Commitment

10- not edited

The ride to Escala was filled with an uncomfortable silence, the air filled with tension, sorrow and regret. We both regretted things. I for not being enough, and him for cheating I suppose. Not once did I dare to look at him, so I kept my focus on the passing trees, a transparent window the only thing separating us. To me, it sounded more like a metaphor to our relationship. The person and trees could be either of us, and the window was... his needs. Those fucking needs that impose a threath in our relationship. The same needs I endured for him. The same needs he cheated on me for.

The garage was, techically the same, apart from some new red and pink cars that were probably for Paige, alluring to the gold-digging idea I had of her. Sure, 3 years ago Christian bought me a car as graduation present, and I still didn't accept it. But even if I did, it would be a p-r-e-s-e-n-t. But Paige here seemed to have different cars for each temperature, each weekday and each mood. If that doesn't scream gold-digger, then I sure as hell had no idea what it sounded like.

As we arrive to his floor, we are directly presented with the disgusting image of an almost naked Paige, kneeling in the cold granite floor, in the submissive position.

My throat went dry and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but as much as I refused to let them fall, they did nonetheless. They were falling down my cheeks and no force on earth could stop the gut-wrenching feeling in my heart.

"Goodnight Master. I am here at 8 as you requested, sir." She said in an innocent voice, a voice that over-fueled my anger. I gasp in shock, and apparently wasn't the only one as Taylor, who was standing behind us, did the same thing, adding disgust to his voice. Only this time, his disgust was mainly directed at not Paige, but Christian.

"Wh.. What the fuck is this Christian? WHAT THE HELL?! You requested her at the same time I was here? Is this a sick-game?" I ask, incrediously.

"N.. No.. No! I didn't! Paige what the fuck is this shit? Go to your room, now!" He yells, his throat failing him for a second.

"As you wish Master. Do you desire me in the playroom in 15 minutes as always, sir?"

As always? They actually..? The sobs are unstoppable now.

"NO! JUST GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOM!"

She quickly hurries out of the room, along with Taylor. What is happening right now? What does Christian want of me? He seems clearly happy with his new little submissive and his new little fiancé. So, with that being said, why am I here?

"Ana.." Christian says, worried.

"I.. I'm going to leave.." I say, needing to be out of this room at this absolute second.

"NO! No, no, no, no! Please don't leave.. You... You left me before.. You promised you wouldn't and... an-" He mutters lowly, his eyes starting to water, the promising tears abruptly forced stop by Christian's clenched fists. Before he could continue, I interrupt him, wondering if I should at all dig him even deeper in his grave with this hard, raw, but most importantly, truthful accusation. He needs to hear it. It's now or never.

"You're wrong Christian. This time.. This time it was you who left."

And with this, I turn around and head for the elevator at a hurried pace, joined by the burst of thoughts and emotions that are wildly running through my head. I want to stop, to just freeze everything and just either crawl back into his arms, cuddle with him and watch shitty Netflix movies, the best part obviously making-out with him in-between, or to just go 7 months back in time and analyze my mistake. What did I do wrong? No, Ana, don't even go there, this is not your fault! Ah, who am I kidding really? It always ends up in me blaming him, putting all the guilt in his shoulders... and to run from the fact that it is my fault. There's no denying. It's logic that he wouldn't cheat if he wasn't missing something at home. God, how could I be so stupid, so selfish, so naïve?

His reaction was silent. He must be in shock, but I shouldn't - no, can't - look at him again. I can't look at him again. I can't look at him again. I can't look at him again. I repeat this self-destructive mantra over and over in my head, trying to convince myself of these thoughts, but failing miserably. As I shake myself back down to Earth, I start to once again take ahold of the situation. I'm throwing my shaking pale fingers at the in-wall buttons, hoping helplessly to leave this place where I was once happy. I used to be so happy in here, waking up to the man I loved.. How did things get so quickly out of control? This place now only brings back the memories of that soul-wrecking cheating scene. That image won't leave.. I want it so bad to leave... If this memory of mine suddently took ahold of a living body, I would have such deep hatred for it, that I wouldn't be justified of my actions. I am so focused on trying to banish these images and memories out of my mind that I don't simply realize that they never will. They'll never leave. I'll always carry this weight on my shoulders, that I wasn't enough for him. For my husband. For my own goddamn husband.

I guess that the worst part about it is that I would have to learn to live with this... thing, that it would eat me inside and out, like if a whole pig was thrown into the middle of a famished wolf-pack, only in this case, I was being thrown at an unknown void that I couldn't run or escape from, not knowing the unknown. But in reality, what genuinely terrified me was that I'd not be able to escape from it. I was trapped.
It was like a chess game, and no words or actions needed to be said or done. The one word was always there, waiting for the best moment to lure out of the dark corners of my mind. The first time I was introduced to Christian's needs, that was when the word infiltrated my mind. I always put it in the back of it, never wanting to face the cold hearted truth. I was trapped.

Checkmate.

~~~~~~
Sooo

Extra long chapter bc i took one day later

Idk what im doing with my life tbh

Anyways