Aspen Falls

BRB -- December 28th

She was quiet the entire drive. Her mind somewhere else.

The hospital released me around 7 tonight. Aspen hadn't left my side physically but I knew she wasn't with me mentally. She was somewhere entirely different. I could see it in her eyes and fuck, if it wasn't scaring me.

As soon as we pulled up the drive and parked, Aspen was out of the truck, looked back to make sure I was out too...and then plowed thru the front door. She was up the stairs in seconds. She had been too quiet and it was driving me insane.

Blue rushed up the stairs after her, knowing his owner too well. He was doing exactly what he was trained for as her service animal. Not very many people knew that was exactly what he was. We both knew something was off with Aspen.

He was laying outside her bathroom door crying when I made it into her room. "What's she doing Blue?" He just scratched at the door repeatedly and whined more. I jiggled the doorknob. It was locked. Never a good sign. Hello heartbeat. "Aspen. Hey. Open up."

"I can't. I can't do this again." I could hear her mumbling thru the door over the water running from the sink.

"Babe. Just open the door."

"It hurts." She was spiraling. She'd most likely been spiraling since she hopped into the ambulance with me last night. And when my girl spiraled far enough and long enough, she went back to her vice. My anxiety was rising. I snapped my fingers to get Blue to move out of my way. "Aspen open the door." She was still mumbling things that I couldn't make out because my heart was thudding in my ears. I was starting to freak out. I jiggled the doorknob one more time. "ACE?" Nothing. I knew what she was doing. I breathed in and braced myself for the pain, then I hit the door in the right spot with my shoulder and down it went.

All I could think of was my girl. I tossed the door aside a little and looked down. There she was, her knees buried in her chest, tears streaming down her face. She was setting on the floor with blood spilling down her arm. "SHIT!" I ripped my shirt off over my head and hauled her up from the floor. I tied my shirt around her arm where all the blood seemed to be originating from. "Aspen..."

She went to pacing. "It's too much. That was too much. I can't do this." She wasn't making any sense thru her tears. Was she telling me that she had cut too much? Was she saying that she couldn't do us?

"Hey. Shh. Just breathe. Aspen...what happened?" I was trying to get her to slow down and talk to me. "Tell me where you keep your stash?" I needed to wash her arm. Needed to get it to stop bleeding. "What was too much?"

"I'M GONNA LOSE YOU!!!!" She stopped in the middle of the room and screamed it. I froze. She didn't say I was going to leave her. She didn't say that all of this wasn't going to work out. She had said that she was going to lose me.

"What are you talking about? Aspen, baby, you're not going to lose me." She was downright terrifying me. I don't get scared let alone terrified.

"DON'T YOU SEE?! I have four more weeks with you!! And then what's going to happen?! You're going to go back to whatever godforsaken shithole and I'M GONNA FUCKING LOSE YOU!!! IT HURTRS BEAU!! IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH!! I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT AGAIN!!"

She was frantic, pacing back and forth. Rambling. Trembling. I could see the smallest flash of silver still in her hand. I still had no idea what was running thru her head to make her think she was going to lose me, but I knew she was going to cut again if I didn't get her to stop and look at me. "Hey. If it hurt...please." I put my hands on her shoulders gently. "Please let me get this to stop. Baby..." I had my hand under her elbow to let her know that I meant her bleeding arm.