Vanilla, Cherries, and Cigarettes

Chapter 4

Louis - 2021 - pt. 4

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Lou?"

"Why'd you do it?" Louis just wanted an answer.

"Why'd you leave?" Harry shot back, smile fading.

"Because I gave up. Everyone told us from the start that none of it was worth it. So I ran at the first sign of trouble and blamed it all on you. I- I was scared." Louis answered truthfully, admitting these things for the first time out loud.

"You should've believed in us."

"I did. But with the whole ordeal, it was too much to happen all at once."

"Louis, I was there through all of it, and the second I messed up you left."

"It was too much."

"But Louis, I stuck around for you. I didn't just leave when all that shit happened. All the fucking partying and paps and shit. Do you know how hard it was? Finding out about that and then being there for you when I was still hurting?"

"It was hard on both of us. I know. But, everyone said that it was a bad idea from the start. I lost faith in the relationship. I didn't think it was worth it anymore." Louis could tell his words hurt, Harry's eyes softened and bore a look of betrayal. "I-"

"You didn't think it was worth it?" He interrupted, a pained look on his face.

"I..." Louis trailed off, knowing that whatever he said next was going to be the wrong answer.

"You didn't think we were worth it?" Harry asked, sterner this time.

"Of course we were worth it. I just couldn't see that at the time." Harry shut his eyes tightly and Louis could tell they were taking steps backward in the progress they'd made. "Harry, I was terrified. I caved into the pressure. I thought we'd be torn apart and so I ran because I was scared. I was scared, Harry."

"I was scared too. But I didn't run away. I was there for all of it. Do I have to mention it again?" He asked rhetorically.

Louis thought hard about everything that went down. Harry never left his side. He heard Louis out and he understood. When Harry messed up, Louis ran away. He should've stayed. He knows that. He tried to think of something to say, but all that clouded his mind were stupid memories that he didn't want to think about right now. Harry noticed Louis' inner conflict and sighed. He stepped away and walked out of the room, leaving Louis alone, making him feel terrible again. Louis heard his footsteps walk down the stairs and reproach out of earshot.

He let out a shaky breath and fisted at the sides of his hair.

"Fuck," Louis whispered to himself. He paced the room for a moment before walking out. He took a few steps towards the stairs but stopped, noticing an open door. It was the door to the master bedroom. Louis felt like he was intruding but he walked in anyway, knowing Harry was downstairs.

The large bed was still in the center of the back wall, one side made and neatened, the other side was sloppy. The blanket was thrown open and the pillow folded slightly. Harry's side was the messy one. Or at least the side he slept on when he and Louis lived together. Louis' side looked like it was untouched. Harry had a huge bed to himself now and yet he still stayed on his own side.

Louis walked towards the bathroom, mindlessly, not knowing why. It was cleaner than it used to be, probably on account of Louis no longer living there. The counter used to be covered in various junk, mostly a mess of useless things that hide in drawers. But now it was cleared. Literally, nothing but a bottle of hand soap was left out. Louis opened the cabinet.