Unloved - Let us rewrite the stars ||englisch||

40.

Trembling and with a pounding heart, I parked the car in front of the front door and walked with stumbling steps along the path to the front door. I opened it with my key and hung it on the hook in the hallway. However, as usual, I didn't take off my shoes.

"Hailey?" came a questioning voice from the kitchen. "Hey." Lando came sliding across the laminate on socks and hugged me. Immediately, tears welled up in my eyes again. Why? Why couldn't I just let things heal? He broke away from me again and eyed me. "Why are you crying?" he asked lovingly, which made me immediately fall into his arms again. "I'm sorry." "Sorry for what?" "I'll explain right now. Just let me..." I went into the living room, where by now there was a box full of tissues. Lando had put them there at some point because I'd watched far too many movies that left me crying afterwards. Today I will probably need them again. I grabbed a wrapper and sat cross-legged on the sofa with it. "Lando... I..." Before I continued, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry... I can't have a relationship with you if..." "It's because of Anthoine's death, am I right?" he interrupted me harshly. I nodded slowly. "Okay... I understand you. You've lost too much to stay... But what makes you so sure you're going to lose me?" "I don't know and please..." "I want to be reasonable about this, Hailey. Please." I nodded. "So do I..." We were silent for a moment until I grasped the word again. "You know my past and you've already told me that you understand why I made this decision. But what you didn't know is... I don't feel good enough. I constantly and always feel like you deserve better. And you do. You really do. Something less broken, not bad-tempered and bitchy. Prettier, taller, thinner. And I'm not that, and I never will be." "But... Hailey you're perfect for me. And you always will be. I don't care about any of that. I love you. Only you." My heart bled at the sight of Lando. He seemed so desperate. Again because of me. "I'm not doing you any good and I think it's time I let you go." "Please don't say that." "And you don't even know how much it hurts, because I know for a fact part of me will love you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running back and forth, it's not healthy. So this is me drawing the line. Here I am doing what I should have done months ago: saying goodbye." "You're not going to stay no matter what I do are you?" I shook my head, watching a tear break free from the corner of his eye. "Okay. I guess I have some things to get off my chest too then..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "You'll always be my first love. Not like the first girl I liked, or the one that took my breath away, or the first kiss, but my first strong feeling. I knew from the moment I first saw you that my heart would be yours. You brought out the best in me, I will never regret loving you. even if we can't be together, I will love you in this life and in another. In every life that I will live. And please, may I drive you to the airport?" 

We had spent the journey in silence. No one really knew what to say. How could they? I had just pronounced our separation. And yet he still accompanied me through the big building, took my suitcases away with me, even carried my backpack for me. All the way to the check-in, where we queued together. And from the looks of it, I would be standing here for what felt like years.

All these people were so unnecessary. But I didn't mind them. Not any more. Thanks to Lando, probably. Definitely because of him. I had to suppress a sob. I didn't need everyone to know what I'd just done. That I broke something. "Hailey?" I didn't turn around, just held my hands in front of my face. "Why are you giving me such a hard time?" I asked, trembling. I had tried to tune him out because I didn't know what else to do. "Because I have one more question. Please. This one single one, yes?" I turned and looked at him with blank eyes. "Can I kiss you one last time?" with tears in my eyes, I nodded, putting my hands on his neck. Our lips met. Carefully, gently.

The last kiss lingered on my lips, his last words echoing in my head as I watched my world sink back into that darkness. I leaned my forehead powerlessly against his chest.

"We'll never forget each other, will we?" A tear trickled down his cheek and I could practically hear his heart breaking. I shook my head. "No, never. I promise."

One last time he smiled at me with that love we both once felt; that same feeling came over me when I had first kissed him, realised I loved him. The same feeling I had broken.

And as we walked away, we reviewed the memories of each other and began to realise that being in love never means you can be together.