Numb. That's what I felt, still feel. Helpless and numb.
Watching her lay on the side of the road broke me in two. The girl I was in love with, the sweet, funny, sometimes aggressive yet so powerful and strong girl I was in love with, lying there unmoving. Broken.
Everything seemed to slow down. The car screeched and then she was on the floor, bleeding and not moving. The life draining slowly from her.
Everything is dull, lifeless, without her. Everyday I miss her more and more, I thought it was supposed to get easier but it doesn't. I'm reminded of her everywhere I look.
The funeral was the hardest part. It was so definite and final. That's when it really hit me she was gone for good, she wasn't coming back from this. I had to look away as she was lowered into the ground and tell myself that it wasn't her in the box. It was another girl from another life with another boyfriend. But it wasn't and it isn't. It was her and it was her life that was lost and my life that got turned upside down.
We went through so much in the time I knew her. She was so fearless and beautiful. So Beautiful. She stood against her father with courage for what she truly believed in, which is something I could never do.
The paparazzi are following me again. My eyes are red and puffy from crying but I just can't stop. I fell in love and she was taken from me. It all happened so fast that it takes my breath away and then I am gasping, trying to find what's still good.
The boys and the fans and the show. They are what is good. I need to focus on that, not the pain that tears through every ounce of my body when I think of her.
While the paps ask me questions I walk numbly back to my car. It's been little over a month since it happened, why can't they just leave me alone?
I slam my car door closed and start the engine, focusing on not running anyone over as I pull away from the flashes and shouts. Once I'm on open road I can think clearer.
I'm driving away. Away from the boys, the venue, the fans, the pain, everything. Just away. I don't want to feel any-more. The tears are pouring down my face again now, fogging my vision so I can't see. I pull over into a lay-by and think. Just let everything rush over me like I've done so many times since.
I'm unsure how long i sit there, but when I check the time I see that I should have been at sound check an hour ago and I have 13 missed calls and 7 texts. Looks like I zoned completely.
I call back the first person that pops up in my call list, Liam.
"Harry, mate, where the hell are you? We've been calling forever."
He sounds worried and I feel instantly bad. Band before everything.
"Sorry, I went for a drive. Had to clear my head before the show tonight. Everything ok there?"
"Yeah, every-things fine here but Harry, is everything ok with you? You seem distant and upset and I know why but you swore, band before everything but if this is too much maybe we could take a break? You know, a few days off, go home and just relax, morn?"
I sigh. I do need a break but we can't let the fans down like that, they work hard and pay money to see us and it's the least we owe them.
"No Li, I'm fine. Just needed to think before the show. It still hurts you know, knowing that she's gone, for good. I just," my voice cracks and clear my throat. "I just miss her, so much."
"I know man, we all do. We get that you had fallen for her, and we're all so sorry about what happened but we cant change that and we need you, if you're up for it?"
"Yeah, I am. I'm on my way back now. See you in a bit."
I hang up, not waiting for a reply.
All the boys have made it clear that they're here for me, no matter what. I think they find it silly that I'm so torn up over a girl I met a few months ago. But I fell for that girl. The very first time I knocked her over and she looked so confused, so stunning, even with blood dripping down her face. I wanted to get to know her, so badly. I had to get to know her. So, I did and I fell in love with her so fast I didn't realised what I was feeling before it was too late.
When I get back to the venue they're all there, waiting for me. The second they see me I'm enveloped in a hug from Liam.
"Don't freak out, they came to see you." Liam whispers in my ear.
Confused, I pull away only to see the last people I expected to see stood behind him. Jessie's brother and Kayleigh. I'm so shocked I can't even speak when she walks over to me and gives me a hug.
"Hey Harry, how you holding up?"
I blink a couple of times, shaking my head slightly, my mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. "Fine, I guess. What about you huh?"
She shrugs, "good days and bad. I just miss her so much, you know? It hit's me sometimes that I'm never going to see her again. "
I completely understand.
I turn to Nathan, "Hey Nate, how are you?"
We shake hands.
"Well, pretty shit if I'm honest with you but I'm surviving, just like I should."
I nod. He's lost so much, more than me. I lost the girl I loved but he, he lost his little sister. The girl he watched grow up, the girl he picked up when their dad was being abusive, the girl he fought so hard to protect from him. Yeah, I lost the girl I fell for, but he lost a part of him.
We talk. Nathan and Kayleigh and I. They tell me stories of what Jessie was like when she was younger. It's hard. It's hard to see them and listen to them talk so fondly of the memories they have with her. I don't have fond memories. I have the conversations we had and the light kisses we shared. I have the fear laced into her voice as she opened up to me and I have the memory of holding her close after she got shot.
But I don't have the memory of watching her try and ride her first bike. Or listening to her sing in the shower. Or watching her stress over what she got in her maths test.
I don't have any of these because I was too late. I came into her life too late. We should have met sooner. Before my career took off. We could have lived a normal happy life together where her and her mum and Nathan were all safe. We would have been happy together. She wouldn't have been taken from me. We may even have had gone on to have children, who knows.
That's the problem though. We don't get to chose our story book endings. We don't always get what we want. We get what life throws at us and it's messy and painful and exciting and amazing.
But meeting her has taught me one thing. It's taught me to be stronger. To not be afraid to fall in love.
She's taught me that nothing, absolutely nothing, is a coincidence.
AN - Its over at last. This last chapter took so long to write because I basically forgot i was writing one. Oops. Anyway, I'm gonna start on something else soon hopefully, if I remember. Probably not.
Thank you all so much for reading and voting and please continue to read and vote and please comment. Also, if you enjoyed it check out my other stuff, no pressure.
I love you all and thank you <3
